However hard I try to steel myself, there are some things which pierce the armour I am trying to build about me. Like today. Went in the morning to the hospital and brought the physiotherapist home. She tried so hard to cajole Ajja into doing some exercises , and, to try and make him sit up. He was stubbornly non-cooperative. Refused to open his eyes and look at her. No amount of coaxing from us could get him to open an eye, utter a word or move a limb. He lay - passive, non responsive, non cooperative. As tough he couldn't hear us. Or may be, he didn't want to hear us.
He's been so since Sunday. Till then, in spite of the fall, in spite of the operation- he was communicative, responsive. Always talking - sometimes coherently, sometimes incoherently. But, when he wasn't sleeping, he would at least be awake - with eyes open. Since Sunday, it is as though he has given up. He is slowly shutting himself out. Sometimes, when I repeatedly call out to him, he opens his eyes for a second - and, I find a pair of grayish blue eyes staring bleakly into mine. The gaze is scary - scary because there is no hope in those eyes. No zest for life, no emotion - except, at times, while we struggle with the duties like cleaning him, clothing him etc, I see a glimmer - is it Pain? Am I imagining it? It feels as though he is mutely asking me - "I've given up. Why wont you refuse to let go? Why do you coax me to eat and exercise? Leave me".
But, Ajja, you should understand. We can't let go. Even if you have given up, we can't. We have to keep doing all that is humanely possible to keep you comfortable, and, try and improve your condition as much as possible. We have to keep on fighting, even if you have decided that the battle is lost. We cant give up on Hope, cause it is the only thing that is keeping us going. Maybe one day you will shake off this stupor, and may be our Hope will rub off onto you. Maybe you will start fighting again. With that hope, we will go on.