Fear

I have been a brave person, most of the time. Not the kind who's scared of bugs , or pets, or the traffic. This used to make me feel good about myself. I wouldn't have many qualms while walking back alone from lab, at odd hours like 4 am, where there would be loads of dogs but no human souls on the roads at IITB. I haven't been scared of death or illness. Didn't have many aspirations, so, wasn't scared of failure in achieving them. But, of late, as in other matters, I've been realising that I don't know myself as well as I thought I did.

The very first time I felt a completely baseless illogical fear was in swimming class. For the first time, the coach took us to the deep and asked us to jump in. 16ft of water. Not too big a deal. Especially when she's taught us to float and kick. And when she's close by. Buoyancy would take care of everything! But, while everyone showed some kind of hesitation, I was seized by terror. It was baseless. Logic told me I would be fine. My ego told me I should just do it, else I would always feel lousy about it. But, each time I went to the edge of the pool and looked in, I just couldn't jump in. Fear blinded all logic and all sense. A baseless terror. Finally jumped in, holding the instructor's hand, while ladies, 55 -60 yrs old, jumped in bindaas. And, due to some reasons, had to quit class after that day. So never got around to mastering that fear.

Of late, the fear is different. It's a fear of loss - losing people you love - and, it's not just about losing them to Death. It's a fear of the unknown future. Of where life will lead me. Of whether in following my dreams, I am putting too much at stake, whether the loss will be more than the gain. Whether these dreams are really those that I want to pursue. Of Change -that which is inevitable, and not always favourable. Changes in myself and in people I love. Of drifting too far away, and finding that the bridge has been washed away and that I cannot return or reconnect. Of finding out eventually that it was all not worth it. And, these fears are not baseless. Nor are they those that can be faced and put to rest right now. These are not fears that can be driven away by a comforting hug and the mother's whispers of "Hush, it will be alright". It has to be a painful wait, for a few years, only then I shall know what the outcome is. Till then, they can only be pushed away to a corner of the mind, and, the most I can do is not to dwell upon them.

Revival

Long time, no post. I am turning into a busy bee, not getting time to post, and at times, having no inclination to post :D Currently, down with a whooper of a cold. Does that make me a "cold person" ? :D So, being more brain dead than I normally am, I am using it as an excuse for not thinking originally. Was going through my gmail inbox, emptying it [yes, I have achieved the unacheivable - gmail inbox 92% full, need to empty :)] when I came across this stuff I had written in my second sem at IITB. The initial signs of a chronic blogger. Quite amateurish writing [not that I am a pro now :P] but, thought it still deserved a place on this blog. So, here goes :

OF BLINDERS AND TUNNELS…….

We are born crying. We enter the world with a ready-made list of woes- crying, complaining, whining…. We go through life, as though it were a chore, something to be dealt with and completed soon, so that a cumbersome burden can be put aside. We allot specific time slots for happiness – " I'll be happy when this happens", "I'll be happy when I get that" and so on. Like horses in blinders, concentrate only on achieving this and that, so that we might be happy. In this fixation for arriving at the destination, we forget the journey, forget to enjoy those small moments, to find joy in simple things, to just smile………

Sometimes, the chain is pulled and the train stops. People are forced to look out of the windows – observe- to see what is happening outside this tunnel they have built for themselves. The plodders get a glimpse of what life can really be.. The blinder slips.. The horse, tied down, not by ropes, but in its mind, is now free!!! Free to look around, to enjoy all that surrounds it- to laugh, to cry, to gambol about.. most importantly, to wander away from its "path", to try out new off-beat tracks, to stumble, to fall, to laugh at itself, get up and move along…….

What or who pulls the chain?? May be an incident, may be a person.. or one's own deep-rooted desire to break free…. The walls of the tunnel are cracked and sunlight seeps in, lighting up the faces of the people with rays of hope, hope of salvation from an utterly pointless manner of existence………

Nettled over a kettle !

I love shopping. And, no, by this I don't mean I spend like hell - though, if I had the money I might have :D - I mean to say, I just like the act of shopping. Need not necessarily be mine, and even window shopping will suffice. But, the feel of a market or a mall makes me happy :) It is, in fact, one of the best ways to cheer up on a low day,where the baggage you pick up at the shop helps shed emotional baggage! :D

So, when Nissim asked shopoholic me to come along to pick up an electric kettle, I jumped at the chance [not literally :P] . And, off we went on my scooty, minus the electric start button [Read MaMu's blog for details!]. So with lots of kicking and pulling eventually, we found ourselves a parking lot in the very crowded Malleshwaram market [which is a true achievement, trust me!]. And, entered this big shop we saw, that boasted of selling household appliances. The deal was that since I knew the local language, I should communicate to the shop wala and bargain, and Nissim's job was to OK or veto the wares that he displayed and to shell out the cash. Now, the shop assigned a salesman exclusively to us and I proceeded to ask him about the kettle.

Me : "Do you have an electric kettle? We don't need a big one, just enough to make a cup of coffee"
Salesman :" Yes of course, here's a lovely little Morphy Richards model, just for 1250 Rs." .
I am shocked. A place near my home offers a similar sized model, non-Morphy Richards for 580.
Me - "Well, that's too much, don't you have something cheaper? For say, 600?"
Salesman : "well, not in small size, you get bigger ones!"
Me , laughing : " Ok. I mentioned small, thinking big ones would cost more. Show me the big ones"
Salesman :" Here's a Bajaj one, 850Rs and the Prestige model, Rs.1050"
Me :" Well, these are too costly too. Anything in 600 range?"
Salesman:" well, would you mind going upto 800? I have this lovely Rice cooker for 795 Rs"
Me, flabbergasted, "Rice cooker! I want a kettle to make coffee, not a cooker"
Salesman: "Oh... you don't want the cooker? OK.. then, would you want a sandwich maker? or a toaster?"

Both Nissim and I are unable to control our laughter anymore. I manage to tell that man (again) that what I want to do is buy something to make coffee in, not just Something for Rs. 600 !! We walk away, Salesman looking very disappointed.

It is said that a great salesman is one who manages to sell ice to an eskimo. This guy was surely trying his best to take the definition to a higher level! Overall, highly entertaining experience!