Sunday, September 30, 2007

Fear

I have been a brave person, most of the time. Not the kind who's scared of bugs , or pets, or the traffic. This used to make me feel good about myself. I wouldn't have many qualms while walking back alone from lab, at odd hours like 4 am, where there would be loads of dogs but no human souls on the roads at IITB. I haven't been scared of death or illness. Didn't have many aspirations, so, wasn't scared of failure in achieving them. But, of late, as in other matters, I've been realising that I don't know myself as well as I thought I did.

The very first time I felt a completely baseless illogical fear was in swimming class. For the first time, the coach took us to the deep and asked us to jump in. 16ft of water. Not too big a deal. Especially when she's taught us to float and kick. And when she's close by. Buoyancy would take care of everything! But, while everyone showed some kind of hesitation, I was seized by terror. It was baseless. Logic told me I would be fine. My ego told me I should just do it, else I would always feel lousy about it. But, each time I went to the edge of the pool and looked in, I just couldn't jump in. Fear blinded all logic and all sense. A baseless terror. Finally jumped in, holding the instructor's hand, while ladies, 55 -60 yrs old, jumped in bindaas. And, due to some reasons, had to quit class after that day. So never got around to mastering that fear.

Of late, the fear is different. It's a fear of loss - losing people you love - and, it's not just about losing them to Death. It's a fear of the unknown future. Of where life will lead me. Of whether in following my dreams, I am putting too much at stake, whether the loss will be more than the gain. Whether these dreams are really those that I want to pursue. Of Change -that which is inevitable, and not always favourable. Changes in myself and in people I love. Of drifting too far away, and finding that the bridge has been washed away and that I cannot return or reconnect. Of finding out eventually that it was all not worth it. And, these fears are not baseless. Nor are they those that can be faced and put to rest right now. These are not fears that can be driven away by a comforting hug and the mother's whispers of "Hush, it will be alright". It has to be a painful wait, for a few years, only then I shall know what the outcome is. Till then, they can only be pushed away to a corner of the mind, and, the most I can do is not to dwell upon them.

2 comments:

Rashmi said...

"..whether in following my dreams, I am putting too much at stake"

That's THE question, babe! I don't really think it's just a painful wait till you find the answer. You can't mull over it, you'll come full circle. What will most likely happen is that you'll make an instantaneous decision when you come to your bridges. And that's not bad at all. Just don't look back, if you can. Treasure the past, but accept that it will never be the same again and look up, look ahead and make the future the way you want it to be, as of now. Tomorrow you may want something else...sure, why not?! Just be happy, be in the present!

[Sorry for that senti piece of advice..I need it more than you do, I guess! :P]

Tallur said...

Good post.