Satyam bruuyat, priyam bruuyat

satyam bruyat priyam bruyat na bruyat satyam apriyam
priyam ca nanrutam bruyat esha dharmah sanatanah

Speak truth in such a way that it should be pleasing to others. Never speak truth, which is unpleasant to others. Never speak untruth, which might be pleasant. This is the path of eternal morality, sanatana dharma.

She lies on the hospital bed, frail, tired, body ravaged by the disease and its treatment. She tries to make small talk, but her eyes speak volumes about her fear and her pain. Her daughter asks me "People tell me that in spite of all this treatment and all this discomfort, the disease might not get cured, it might recur. Is this true?" I am in a fix. I ponder over how to answer that question as two pairs of eyes stare at me expectantly. I want to say something encouraging, so that she doesn't give up fighting; but I hear RV's voice in my head , telling me "They need to know the true picture, we can't give them false hope". I say nonchalantly, "well, true, sometimes the disease doesn't go away and there's a good chance that it might come back, too". Their faces fall, eyes start welling up . I continue speaking, in a hurry to get the words out . "Yet, the doctor says there is a good chance one is cured completely, and we have to take that chance". The despair ebbs a bit and there is a quite desperation in the daughter's voice as she asks me "If it does recur, we just have to take the same treatment again, and it will go away, won't it?" My resolve is shaken, and I take the easy way out . "Yes. Anyway, we will just do as the doctor says; and things should be fine". It might be false hope, but they both look more cheerful and ready to face the hurdles that lie ahead.

I wonder how oncologists do this job daily, of meeting people and telling them the whole truth.

Happy Independence Day

Independence day - the day we celebrate our freedom from tyrant British rulers, the day we sing praises of the innumerable known and unknown people who struggled and even, lost their lives for our country. 

A visit to The Cellular Jail at Port Blair shows the inhuman conditions these freedom fighters were subjected to; their diaries bear testimony to their unbreakable spirit in the face of the hardships they underwent. I saw the miniscule cells, the narrow stairs, the damp dark walls - all designed for solitary confinement, so that a man may go crazy inside his own mind. I balked at the instruments of torture, the pictures and the accounts of the sparse food and impossible amounts of work that these men were forced to do. Above all, I read their diaries - pages upon pages filled with their love for the country, a deep belief in their actions, a purpose to their lives - a hope , a dream of a free country ; and I broke down in tears. These men trusted their fellow country men to take care of their motherland as they laid down their lives for its independence. And a fine job we have done of it..........

This Independence day , I wish for

Freedom - from communal and regional riots

Freedom - from miscreants who go under the garb of moral police.

Freedom - from the rampant corruption that is plaguing the country.

Freedom - from inefficient Governance.

The onus is upon us to bring to life the dream that thousands died for . May we have a truly Independent country. Jai Hind.

The calm after the storm

We had welcome rains in Bangalore yesterday - well, welcomed by all but the spectators of the IPL match at Chinnaswamy, I guess ! The showers soaked the parched earth and soothed the fevered minds of people. It rained through the night, as the people slept fitfully to the lullaby of the pitter-patter rain drops.

The morning after, is glorious. The sun shines benevolently, a gentle breeze runs through the trees, the birds chirp, squirrels squeak and run around with renewed enthusiasm. The grass looks greener, the ground is strewn with gulmohar petals, giving a red carpet welcome to the early risers. The entire campus looks as though it has been scrubbed clean for the arrival of some dignitary.

As Robert Browning would say -
THE year 's at the spring,
And day 's at the morn;
Morning 's at seven;
The hill-side 's dew-pearl'd;
The lark 's on the wing;
The snail 's on the thorn;
God 's in His heaven—
All 's right with the world!

P.S. Wonder why the snail is on the thorn - ouch!

True anti-corruption comes from within.

The Middle class - the large sector of India that is eternally trying to be upwardly mobile, who feel like Tantalus that a better standard of living is just lying out of their grasp and keeps trying to attain it; people who faithfully take out LIC policies and invest in retirement schemes. The Middle class who , again if the TOI is to be believed, has turned up in lakhs to support Anna Hazare. These are people who generally bear the brunt of having to interact with corrupt individuals on a daily basis - autowallahs who routinely demand 'meter mele 20', the bus conductor who hands out extra change instead of a ticket and says 'Sari hoytu bidi", the officials at several govt offices who demand a certain amount as though it was the official charge for something and then, calmly pocket it before getting your work done. More than 2G scams, CWG scams, mining scams etc; it is this corruption on a regular basis which affects and impedes the lives of these people intimately, daily.

When Shri Anna Hazare started his protests against corruption, the Middle class joined in with gusto, as this seemed to them to be the one way out of this evil that plagued them regularly. In the TOI, there were several reports and quotes by these people who claimed they had to pay bribes so often.

While this uprising of the Common Man is commendable, there is also something disagreeable about the self-righteous air with which people are condemning corruption. Several of these people, at some stage, would have tried to grease the palm of a traffic policeman and get away with parking in a no-parking area. They would have purchased / sold flats where half the amount would be in black. They would have paid for jewelery and saris in cash to avoid the sales tax that would have to be compulsorily levied upon them had they paid by card. They would have claimed that they are paying rent to their own parents, who live in the same house with them, in order to be able to claim HRA. They would have brought broadband schemes with free night downloads to enable access to pirated movies available online - and then, circulate them among friends as well. They would have searched for freely available illegal pdfs of books they want, rather than buy them off the shelves. Would all of this not classify as corruption - a desire to obtain something for which you do not pay the legal price, or to get something more than that which you are due?

Who is to decide the degree or the severity of the act and decide what is OK and what is not? In Kannada there is a saying - Adike kaddaroo kalla; aane kaddaroo kalla - which means you are a thief - whether you steal a beatel nut or an elephant.

When it comes to bribery, the slogan should be "Neither a giver nor a taker be". As a person who grew up in Bangalore, I can safely vouch for the fact that about upto about 15 years ago, the autowallahs would not start driving with the familiar "20 Rs extra madam, vapaas khaali barabeku". It is inherent human greed and desire to get more than what we normally do - thoda aur wish karo!! - but, this would become a well established practice only if majority of the passengers did actually cough up the extra amount on a regular basis. The autowallahs are not going to sit around all day if they do not find anybody paying them extra.

We, as a society, have encouraged corruption and participated in it for years on end.While the lokpal bill might hopefully reduce large magnitude scams; at smaller levels, true anti corruption should come from within. In a society where corruption exists in all walks of a life, it is difficult to get by without it but not impossible. One might have to wait longer to get an honest auto driver, make more trips to your unfriendly neighbourhood govt office, shell out more money for the movie cds and actually, pay the sales tax. Life might not be a bed of roses, but atleast then, you would truly be within your rights to call the politicians corrupt and point fingers at them.

To be or not to be...

... pro Anna Hazare - no longer seems to a question for the majority of the people in the country , if the TOI is to be believed.

It is true that corruption has become so widespread in India that, at times, it seems impossible that it shall ever be routed out. It is appreciable that Anna, along with other eminent personalities such as Kiran Bedi and Arvind Kejriwal , is trying to curb this social evil.

The govt draft of the lokpal bill is truly one that instals a dummy ombudsman whose hands are tied behind his back. This bill can't be surely accepted. Hence, revision is essential; but, holding the govt to ransom by threatening to fast till the bill was passed in its current version is anti-democratic for sure. Gandhiji did it with the oppressive British regime but here we are using the same weapon against our own elected representatives. It is the "My way or the highway" kind of a stand and such an obstinate outlook is not going to be of any use. When Sri Hazare started the fast, it was called indefinite and was clearly told be different from a fast-unto-death. Even Kiran Bedi clarified in the press that he shall fast only as long as his health permits. So, what is it if not a form of blackmail, if today statements are made saying that the Govt is responsible if anything happens to Anna?

The govt did mess up very badly -first with all the scams; second, with denying Anna and his supporters the right for peaceful protests a la the British Raj. The very number of people coming out to support Team Anna shows that the middle class has had enough with bribery and corruption and looks upon Anna as a messiah who'll save them from this hell. My concern here is that how many people know what exactly they are protesting for apart from the key words "Anna hazare, jan Lok Pal and Anti-corruption". Do they know the pluses and the drawbacks of the govt bill and the Jan lok pal bill?? Do they know both sides of the debate or are they merely caught up in the frenzy? Are they under the misconception that the Jan Lok Pal bill will save them from the routine "20 rs extra , madam" that the auto wallah asks? That it will be a magic wand that will instantly erase corruption from all walks of the society? Have they truly thought about the powers that Team Anna wants the Jan lok pal to be given and whether there could be any backlash of creating such a powerful body? Would it end up being like a second CPAB (of SG) that has right to detain a person without trial?

Also, a large crowd of youth, high on adrenaline is a dangerous weapon. The mob literally is elevating Anna to a God status and seems unwilling to think of him as a normal human being who could also have some flaws. There are schools who are sending students - small children - to witness what is being called the second freedom struggle. Today a person also set himself ablaze at Delhi. Most Anna supporters I know follow the "With us or against us" kind of point of view ; expecting the public to have a binary view. Many are not open to thinking that the Team Anna draft of the Lok Pal bill is just one of the several alternatives , including the one drafted by RTI activist Aruna Roy. If one has problems with the methodology being employed by Anna Hazare, the person is promptly dubbed as a Congress supporter, or a un-patriotic person by fanatic Anna supporters.

Finally, Anna said "agree to our demands or step down" - and, one might be justified in saying so when the govt has failed them on all fronts. Fine, the govt steps down, what next? There are going to be elections at taxpayers cost - where we only get to choose between Worse and Worst. Will anybody from Team Anna contest the elections and promise to give us a better govt? Given the widespread support the movement has gained in India, and, as Kiran Bedi said "India is Anna and Anna is India", they are sure to win the elections and we might truly get better governance. With BJP messing up at the State level, and Congress screwing up big time at the Centre ; it might not even make sense to go vote in the next elections if we don't have better options!!!

I always feel hypocritical when I bitch about existing govts because, I know, that I would not want to touch politics with a ten-foot long pole. So, while all Anna supporters are busy making a villain out of the Govt, is anybody willing to shoulder the responsibility of trying to please the majority in a country with a population of more than a billion?

[P.S. I am not trying to defame Anna Hazare or his supporters. I am against corruption and would want a good anti-corruption squad. I am just not ok with the deadlines being issued, holding the govt to ransom and the effort to enforce a certain version of the bill without considering the alternatives. Just because I do not support Team Anna and their movement in entirety, I am not a corrupt politician or a person who does not love her country. Just clarifying matters before people start gunning me down for my views!]

The living dead

You have to begin to lose your memory, if only in bits and pieces, to realize that memory is what makes our lives. Life without memory is no life at all…. Our memory is our coherence, our reason, our feeling, even our action. Without it, we are nothing…. (I can only wait for the final amnesia, the one that can erase an entire life, as it did my mother’s….)

—Luis Buñuel

We haven't known each other for long, but, ever since your grandson declared that he wanted to marry me, you have welcomed me open armed into your family. You and Aajoba did everything to make me feel welcome and were proud of me and my education like my own grandparents would have been. You did not once tell me to quit my studies and move to Mumbai to live with my husband. Instead, Aajoba kept urging me to work well and achieve higher laurels. You called me your naat-sun even before the wedding and took me with you to Goa, Shiroda and Saawantwadi and fondly introduced me to your home and family. You were thrilled with my rudimentary Marathi and appreciated the fact that I was actually trying to make an effort to communicate with you, instead of laughing at my lapses. You both refused to be bogged down by failing health and made the trip all the way to Bangalore to be there in person for our wedding; and in fact, attended every single bit of it. The days we stayed with you, I would wake up early and have a cup of tea with you and Aajoba, and you would reminisce about the days you worked at the Port, about how your mother gave you mangoes for lunch, about I. Butler and P. Butler who worked at your office! You would urge me to have yet another cup of tea and more biscuits while I chatted with Aajoba and tried my hand at reading the Marathi paper.

Then, aajoba fell ill and your memory started fading. I was bogged down with work and troubles here, and I could not make a trip to meet him in spite of knowing of his poor condition - and he passed away before I could meet him one last time. So, when I heard of your ill health, I wanted to come and meet you, and so I did. I know not what purpose it served. Your illness is of a different kind. You are trapped in your own mind, in a limbo between the real and the imaginary. You stare ahead with unseeing eyes and I cannot fathom what goes on behind those glazed eyes. You did not even realise I was there, though you had asked about me just a couple of days ago. I sat beside you, rubbed your palms and talked to you in my broken Marathi, but you did not respond - not because you were displeased, but because you just weren't there.

They say medical science has made remarkable progress, yet, my friend who is a doc tells me that most medicine is trial and error. Each human is different and hence, will respond differently to medication. Your doctors are trying out every possible thing to bring you back from this state of oblivion, and I hope fervently, that something will just click and you will be back to remembering and recognising us and come back into this world of the living.

Mango mela

The summer of 2011 [Vamsee shall smile at this :P] shall be remembered for lot of things - our first summer since Indu left for the US, Gaya3 giving her colloquium, lots of ups and downs at my home, etc etc; but the sweetest memories of this summer will be of the mangoes.

Summer has always been a season of fun and frolic, of lazy afternoons and evenings on the beach, of Kundapur and cousins, of jackfruits and mangoes... Summer is incomplete without mangoes and conversely, the smell and taste of mangoes unfailingly brings the memories of carefree summer holidays. On an impulse, I decided to buy mangoes one day in April, when I went to 6th cross with Gaya3 for some bag shopping. This just marked the beginning of a crazy mango indulgence. My friends and I went berserk, buying and relishing all possible mango varieties available for sale in Bangalore.

We started with the sweet-sour Rasapuri and the nectarine Bangampalli, which for it's flawless skin is also called Benishaan. Amma went on to buy us the sweetest Talappadi I've ever eaten. We then tried the red-skinned Sindhura and the local aapus, Badami. The small and juicy Sakkaregutli were a requested item on the menu. We did not buy any Aalfonso [Haapus] but got to enjoy the tasty ones sent by Aai.

A vendor near 8th cross sold me some huge and pulpy Malagoba which turned out to be delicious! The small lane between the 8th and 9th cross became our regular haunt, with Gaya3, Aswani and I going there often to buy mangoes. The beauty of interaction with the vendors selling fruit on small carts can never be replaced by swanky super markets. We chatted with them, tasted the fruit, laughed at the bees swarming atop the cut fruits, bargained with them and got convinced by them to buy 3 kilos instead of the 1 that we had set out to buy.

By late May, the Mallika [not Sherawat] had arrived in the markets. This mango is a hybrid between Neelam and Dasheri. While it has a beautiful colour and is elongated in shape, it is the embodiment of the Bard's words-

There is a tide in the affairs of men,
Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune;
Omitted, all the voyage of their life
Is bound in shallows and in miseries.
Shakespeare, Julius Caesar IV, iii, 217

The Mallika tastes wonderful, if eaten at the right stage. If allowed to ripen further, it ferments, leaving an acrid taste in your mouth!

Finding Rumani in the Reliance Fresh at 17th cross, 8th main, was a pleasant surprise. I remember Ajja bringing this mango home when we were young, and with his flair for spicing up tales, he used to call it Rumania, making it sound like the European country! The small almost spherical fruits resemble the tiny ooty apple in their shape and size, and have a distinctive flavour.

Langda was, yet again, a chance find at the fruit shop on 8th main. This green skinned medium sized mango comes in from the northern states and has a very un-mango-like aroma that grows on you!

We thought Neelam and Totapuri would mark the end of this very fruitful [pun fully intended] mango season, par picture abhi baaki tha, mere dost! On a visit to New BEL road with Nissim, I had seen a large roadside mango shop and a couple of days back, on the spur of the moment, Aswani and I decided to visit it .... and returned with 10 kilos of mangoes!! The shop, run by very courteous and helpful people, was selling various varieties of the fruit and coaxed us into buying about 3 kilos each of 3 different varieties!! Here we found two new cultivars - Himayat from Andhra and Dasheri, again from UP, and fell in love with the latter :)

Now with July coming to an end and with constant rains, the mangoes are dwindling. The ones that do come in the market have insects ['friends', as Aswani insists on calling them!] and necessitate extra precaution while eating ! Guess we have a few more days left, of feasting on Neelam and Totapuri, and with that, this season of celebrating the unchallenged supremacy of the King of Fruits would come to an end - and it has truly been a golden period!

The pleasure and pain of writing

Have been inactive in the blogosphere for months on end now. Months where so much has happened, months that kept calling out to be recorded in detail; so that one may come back and read them to relive those moments, months where I've been completely swamped; having absolutely no personal time. Hopefully the worst is over and I should be able to get some breathing space. Have applied for an internet connection in my room and plan to blog regularly henceforth. Writing is a form of catharsis, an avenue to vent out my innermost thoughts. Could do with some writing now :)

Balancing act

You are happily playing with a ball, by yourself . Throwing it up in the air, and catching it. Suddenly, someone shoves another few balls in your hand. You know you cannot drop any! You struggle. With immense concentration - and, you are just managing to get the hang of juggling them; when, you realise you are on a unicycle. You have to keep peddling, 'cause, if you stop, you fall down and so do the balls you are juggling. You keep going - out of will power. And, as you go forward, you approach a tight rope. You can't stop, so you ride on to it. The audience looks at you and marvels at how you are managing to balance. You look down from your high perch, and feel very scared and very lonely. And, you wish you were in the audience, looking at another circus performer. But, it's your balancing act and you have no choice but to perform - and perform well.

Moderation

Sorry folks, getting some spam comments with chinese characters, which leads to horrible links. Unable to stop spamming even with word verification. So, have implemented comment moderation. Hope this reduces the spamming.

Have nearly 4 posts composed n waiting to be published. Shall do so asap.

The thrill of something new...

Applied the new design to my blog.. and I am mighty thrilled about it!! Something new never fails to excite me - the new -20 freezer in the lab, a new set of pipettes, a new cuisine, a new soap to try, a new kurta to wear.. There's a strange thrill, a sense of a tiny adventure associated with something new.

Reminds me of what Prati once said - "You are like a kid- always thrilled with something new. But, as I think of it, I see something new in the everyday things; and I don't need a novelty to give me that thrill!" How true. When something is new, we look at it with wonder. Soon, comfort replaces the awe; familiarity breeds contempt and, we stop marveling at it. How nice it would be , never to lose that marvel, never to outgrow the charm of everyday life....

Realisations....

Realisations.. things that strike you suddenly, not the kind that Buddha had sitting under the Bodhi tree for years.

Realisations ....

That I am slowly becoming a "grown-up", whether I like it or not...

That most of my BSc batchmates are married and have had babies!

That as a kid I thought at 25, people are mature, responsible adults; and now that I am that venerable age, I don't feel anywhere close to it!

That perhaps all the 'adults' whom I was pissed at as a kid, were also individuals with similar confusions like mine, and I was wrong in being judgmental.

That it's been 3 years since I left IIT - it doesn't feel that way, and yet at the same time, it feels like it was in another universe!

That in spite of all the promises made, I am slowly drifting apart from the best friends I made while at IIT - and it is, but, inevitable.

That I had left IIT saying I would work on protein folding, and, though my lab is a protein folding lab, I am probably the only one there who doesn't do any biophysics!

That it's been 2 whole years into my PhD and I haven't done much about it.

That I started writing the blog under an assumed name since I wanted it to be a place where in I could pour out all feelings, and give the link only to people whom I would be comfortable sharing these thoughts with. But, with the blog gaining publicity, I think twice before typing a post. Maybe I need another personal blog...

Feeling hot, hot, hot...

This year has been by far the earliest and hottest summer Bangalore has experienced, with max temperature reaching 34 to 36 deg C . The light showers which come every year around Shivaratri were markedly absent this year. By the end of feb, namma bengaluru was resembling the Macbeth witches' cauldron. And, why not? After all, this is the first year after the massive tree felling in the city. Trees have been cut near Race course road, for road widening; in front of the insti for road widening and a crazy underpass; and almost everywhere in the city for the elusive Metro. It is but natural that Nature retaliates. We shall face the brunt of this thoughtless act. Next year might be worse. At this rate of indiscriminate and thoughtless tree chopping, the 'Garden City' might be a thing of the past :(

Grumpy

Have been Happy, Sleepy, Dopey, Bashful and Sneezy this month. Am Grumpy today. When do I get to be Doc?? :)

It's rather curious, you know, this sort of life ... :)

The "Cecilia in thesis land" series in Phdcomics ends on a positive note.. thanks, Jorge :)

Open day at IISc showed the same thing. It might get dreary at times, frustrating most of times, and at several points you wonder if it is of any consequence, this thing that you are doing. But, then , you realise, Science is all about this, and, no matter what the downs are, this life is rather curious :)

Blank Spaces

A blank space – indeed how does one begin to describe a blank space? On the very face of it, the phrase appears to be a tautology, with ‘space’ itself meaning ‘a vast, unoccupied area’. As darkness is defined by the absence of light, the blank space can be defined by the absence of substance. But, on a second thought, one sees that a blank space holds innumerable possibilities for interpretation.

To a painter, it is an empty canvas, pregnant with myriad possible paintings to be made. To a teacher it is an innocent child’s mind, ready to be taught and eager to learn. A sculptor would see it as a beautiful piece of stone, waiting to be carved into his next masterpiece. It would remind the farmer of a land to be cultivated; and the builder, of a land that can be developed into a luxurious and profitable layout. A dancer would liken it to an open stage and a writer, to an unwritten page. The lover would see in it, a place where beautiful day dreams can be woven.

To the thinker, it is the absence of cluttering. The yogi says it is the beautiful calmness and peace of mind; while to the spiritual, it is Nothingness, the point at which one sublimes and merges with the Supreme.

A nature activist sees a blank space as a place of extensive deforestation. To the depressed it brings pictures of bleakness, while the psychiatrist would call it a representation of Alzheimer’s disease. To the destitute, it is home.

The beauty of the blank space lies in the eyes of the beholder – unadulterated and pure, or, barren and devoid of life. A pristine landscape waiting to be explored or a frightening ruin that drives away even the whiff of joy. A blank space is, thus, an externalization of our own mind. Our thoughts are what we see in it. When we calm our mind and drive out disturbing thoughts, it becomes the blank space that can be moulded into countless possibilities.

Why does this strike a chord???

"when I started, everything seemed curious and full of wonder .... but now, everything has changed ... or maybe, I have changed ..." ... why does this strike a chord?? :(

10 reasons why one should have water crisis in hostels.

1. You get to tune your body clock according to water availability timings - you can probably publish a Nature paper titled "Rewiring the circadian rhythm - a study on effects of water availability on the human wake-sleep cycle" .

2. You can kick bad habits like getting up at 6 AM, as you don't get water till 9 in the morn.

3. The long walk from your room to the only bathroom in the hostel that has water, on the floor below yours, can prove to be the morning walk you always wanted to take, but were too lazy to actually go on.

4. You can experience emotions which you never thought you were capable of - like the murderous rage that hits you when you see the unkempt lawns in front of the main building being watered incessantly, when you don't have water for basic needs.

5. Your mind gets sharpened and inhibitions lowered; and you come up with crazy ideas like taking a face wash and tooth brush to the main building, and freshening up in the morn, using the water which is available in plenty there.

6. You get to check out all the loos on campus - on other wings in your hostel, the ones in other hostels, the ones in your dept etc.

7. You can publish a book titled - "A comprehensive survey of bathrooms on the campus of the Indian Institute of Science, Bangalore and classification of the same based on water availability and hygiene"

8. You get to play your role in the water conservation movement by not taking the daily bath.

9. You can opt to be a subject in trials for perfume and deodorant companies.

10. You appreciate the administration's successful efforts in making you empathise with the under-privileged, who have to struggle for the water on a regular basis.

Murder in broad daylight

There was a murder in the area I live, and it happened in broad daylight. The victim, was a veteran, who had lived for decades, braving the odds. The assailants were many; young muscular men in the prime of their youth. They hacked at their victim, who still stood strong and needed several blows from several men before showing the first signs of tottering. It looked like the victim was a practiser of ahimsa - not once was there any retaliation to the torture that was being inflicted. There were several passer-bys, silent witnesses, who gave the carnage a fleeting glance, not pausing to help, lest their busy schedule be upsetted. As the victim stood swaying under the heavy onlaught, the henchmen under the supervision of the boss, lassoed the victim and pulled, until, the poor thing could stand no further and finally, toplled over - a silent corpse. Friends and family stood rooted to their spots, in silence and shock; unable to help their loved one who now lay lifeless on the ground. Not that there would be any use if they spoke - who would hear their plea when the Government itself was ordering their elimination. The victim's brother, who was next in line, bowed his head silently, and let his body be subjected to the assailants' attack . And, people continued to pass by silently, without sparing a thought for the lovely huge tree that was being brutally chopped down to make way for a useless underpass.

Caught!

Had a very eventful saturday. Day started off pretty ok - I was confident I would do a great job with my lit, and was making a perfect ppt - beautifully formatted, notes page etc etc. It was only by 1 pm that I realised my master piece would have to remain unfinished since I had to present by 1:30. Was feeling like a louse, sitting in the seminar hall, hating my bookish nothing-remarkable work. There was so much more to the interesting technique and all I had put in my slides was a amateurish ship shod job. The fact that RV didn't say anything only depressed me further, 'cause it made me feel that he had very low expectations from me.

Went to the dentist in the evening, and found out that I had developed two new cavities. Was plunged into more depression. You see, my teeth had always been my pride and glory. I used to bask in the glory of the fact that I had had 24 dental carries free care-free years :P In fact, my dentist was more upset than I to see my "pearl-like" teeth, as she called them, going to the dogs .

Stepped out of the dentist in this foul and depressed mood and stepped into Temptations, to see if they had Paa , which Amma was keen on seeing, for reasons I cannot comprehend. Since I was carrying just a handbag, they let that in. The ever-attentive-to-the-point-of-being-irritating salesman informed me that Paa was not in stock. So, I decided to do some general browsing. Saw a MoserBaer cheap edition of Khosla ka Ghosla, which I thought parents might like and picked it up. Moved on to the English section and was looking at the Incredible Hulk, when the above mentioned sales guy comes and says - "madam, we need to see your bag" - it was then that realization dawned on me . Years of supermarket shopping had taught me to put selected articles in the bag I was carrying - which was what I had absent-mindedly and very stupidly done here. I pulled out the incriminating evidence and started justifying - I am so sorry, I did it unintentionally, I wouldn't have left without paying". The guy continued staring at me and said - "We have hidden cameras ma'am, we see everything that happens" . I continued apologizing. By then, everyone in the store was staring at us, and I was wishing the earth would open up and swallow me, a la Sita. Then the guy gives me this super accusing look saying - "madam, neevu maaDiddu tappallva" [Madam, what you did was wrong, na?]. I admitted it was wrong and very stupid. Then, he said - we need to check your bag, ma'am. I gave him my bag, tried to appear nonchalant and continued staring at the english dvds rack as though I was unperturbed, trying hard to avoid other customers' looks. In about 5 mins, the guy returned my bag. I felt the compulsion to buy another dvd, as though to prove my innocence by making more business and buying stuff legally. So, I picked up a Bhaavageethe compilation of MD Pallavi. Went to the desk, and found the very same guy at the payment counter, who after taking the exact change from me, told me "don't do that again" . I started telling him that it was all a mistake, it was unintentional and I am not a shop-lifter - but could see it was all in vain. He was patting himself on the back for having finally made use of the fancy hidden cameras, and having caught a potential shop lifter red-handed.

Was very shaken after this. How difficult it is to prove intention! All that the world sees is action, and it is so difficult to prove one's innocence! It was really ironic that I - who is generally idealistic and uptight about road rules, following the law, doing the right thing etc, was "caught"shop-lifting". And, more ironic is the fact, that if it was some other girl who was in my position, and I was a mere spectator, I might have very well thought she was guilty and wondered - " Wow, she looks to be decent, but, well, who knows what people truly are! She might well be a kleptomaniac!!" In fact, some days back on the bus, I heard this programme on a stupid radio channel, where the RJ was asking viewers who have shoplifted to call and tell how they did it, and she was giving away gift vouchers to the callers! And, this show had girls coming in and confessing that they flick cosmetics from bangle stores and, not because they can't afford it, but for the thrill of it!! I would have thought that the "caught shoplifter" was one such girl! And the store owner might have thought I was the same!

Well, learnt a lot that day - from the lab meet, I learnt that I should give my best to things hence forth, 'cause I have the potential in me and I should not settle for anything sub standard. And from the shoplifting incident I learnt that one should be very careful while one acts - since the world sees only the action and not the intention behind it. I also learnt that I shouldn't be very judgmental - give people the benefit of doubt until proved guilty; since many might be wrongly accused and just because a lot of people think in one way, it doesn't make that right.

P.S. the Khosla ka ghosla cd had bad print and bad audio! Literally it ended up as a much ado about nothing!