Rain reigns !!

Had been to JNC last week, to just catch up with friends there. It was nice, going back in to the place where I had spent two lovely summers. Though there has been quite a bit of development [there’s a Mall coming up, and a Lakhme beauty salon has opened as well! :)] , there are some things that haven’t changed – and aren’t likely to change in the coming few years for sure! [like the awful bus service, dusty roads, rude auto drivers – who overcharge :D]

The day, which started off so well, left a bitter taste in my mouth as it ended. In the evening, I spoke to a friend from IIT who was feeling terribly depressed due to the fact that he hadn’t cleared any PhD entrances this year. He was feeling so low and he even said that he felt that he had wasted the two years he spent at IIT. I dint know how to console him, and, did the next best thing – just lent him a sympathetic ear. On the way back from JNC, Pearly messaged to tell me that she hadn’t cleared the IISc entrance. It was a replay of the incident of the evening. Again, I was filled with sadness – coz, I knew how important this entrance was to her, how much it meant for her career. And, yet again, I dint know how to console my friend, what alternatives could I suggest for her to look forward to. The possibilities seemed close to nil and I felt helpless, unable to aid her in any manner. Apart from this feeling of helplessness, there was another scary thought slowly creeping into my mind – "what if?" What if , the next year I am in a similar situation ? What if I don’t get an admit from abroad, and at the same time, being out of touch, what if I don’t clear Indian entrances as well? What if I am forced to drop another year? With each lost year, my PhD, and with it, my dream of becoming a prof would slip farther away from me… and, finally, I might have to leave it unfulfilled and settle for something sub-standard. What if such a situation arose? I was filled with apprehension. Insecurities about my future began to plague me and, steadily, I felt more and more miserable.

Returned home in the same gloomy and uncertain mood. Was just sitting about, unable to concentrate and unable to relax, when it began to rain. A gentle drizzle, with no rumbles of thunder to scare one out of one's wits. A gentle, cooling, calming, soothing drizzle. My first rains of this year. I went out and stood in the rain. Greedily gulped in the fresh water. Breathed in the earthy smell that arises from the soil when the first drops of water hit the parched land. Felt the rain run over my body. Felt the coolness of the water droplets hitting my face. Somehow, felt all my worries slipping away with the water, draining away from my mind, leaving me in a state of welcome emptiness. I smiled and drenched some more, enjoying the rain. Enjoying the thoughtlessness and the quiet in my head, after the innumerable thoughts and arguments that had run through it throughout the evening.

Hope blossomed again. I would succeed. There might be obstacles; there may be moments of low. But I would overcome these and I would succeed. In Karnataka, the rain is supposed to be a good omen, a sign of good tidings. It did do me good. It gave me back my belief in myself and showed me the Hope that I had turned my face away from.

There's many a slip between the cup and the lip

Came back last Tuesday. Had come with foolproof plans of what to do in this year's break. According to me, I would return home, relax a bit, give GRE, go to mumbai, finish the paper and the convo, come back to a year's training at NCBS, app, and go for a PhD.

Came back. Dial up at home sucked. Tried to take a broadband connection. Thousand and one vignas [obstacles] to getting one. Then, paper also seems a bit doubtful, till I put in active effort and fight for it. Udgaonkar hasn't replied, so, looks like I've gotta rule out NCBS. Rest of the plans are still waiting for something to come along and upset them.

Well, as Burns says "the best laid plans of mice and men gang aft agley" So, was feeling somewhat trepidacious today, unsure of what to do if this idea of taking an year's break back-fired and I was left with no position in hand, India or abroad. Then, managed to shrug off that idea and tried infusing myself with confidence, told myself that I wasn't so hopeless and I could sure work out something. Anyway, getting scared and just sitting isn't going to get me anywhere.. I would be better off working my ass off for something worthwhile :D

Anyway, even earlier, when my plans backfired, when I tried for something, wanted it badly, and dint get it, God has always given me something better. If some obstacles cant be surmounted, atleast we can go around it, or find another path :) So, no broadband at home, prob for sure, but found this nice iWay cybercafe close to home, which gives fast net for reasonable rates. If not NCBS, I can atleast try IISc. So, lemme see what will happen eventually. Till then, the mantra is to keep plodding. Karmanyeva adhikaaraste maa phaleshu kadaachana.

HOME RETURNED !!

Yup, I am back in Bangalore [Sorry, Bengalooru] now :) Left IITB on the 7th after finishing my MSc . I don’t want to turn this post into Meghadoota –II and write about my separation pangs at being away from the place and the people with whom I spent the two most beautiful years of my life. It is sufficient to say I miss it all the time.

Attended Rashmi’s marriage the day after I returned. Was confronted with weird emotions – felt myself unable to picturise my friend, my school-mate, a girl of my age – getting married, settling down to take on all the responsibilities of being a wife, a daughter-in-law and what not!! Especially, found it difficult to fathom how she could agree to marry a guy she knew only for a couple of hours!! Though their families knew each other, each person is an individual, and knowing the family doesn’t translate to knowing the person with whom you plan to spend the rest of your life!! Even after years, sometimes you wonder if you truly know a person!! Maybe all the cock-n-bull story about a guy and a girl being made for each other is true.. else, how can one explain such spur-of-the-moment-decision marriages turning out so successful!!

Started going on morning walks to Lalbagh with Poorni. Met up with old friends at a Ganahoma at Soumya’s place. Got together with Akka and watched “The Paycheck” on the comp.. it was so like the olden days, when we would watch a movie together, and then compare our criticisms of it . Made ‘Odi’ [called ‘Sandige’ in Kannda, a sort of papad like thingy, but smaller and spicier, made of Saabu daana] with Amma. Was reminded of my high school days when we both would take the radio up onto the terrace, and spend hours, talking about stuff in general, the radio in the background, and I would ruefully compare my deformed Odis with Amma’s beautiful, uniform sized ones. Must say mine came out uniform this time :) Went out with Annu, ate Batata wada’s at our favourite roadside stall with home. It was a lovely reminder of my childhood days. Somehow, it is comforting to know somethings never change, and, I can hope that after few years, when I return after my phd, the roadside stall would still be there, making the famous bataata wadas and, inspite of all the cholesterol awareness, there would still be a huge crowd around it :)

The sky was turning a lovely hue of red while Annu and I were returning today. The evening had a sort of dry dusty feeling to it – though there wasn’t any dust flying about. A kind of stillness in the air, a faint red spread in the sky, which seemed to pervade through the air, imparting a rosy hue to the houses, to the streets and, to my mind, even the faces of people about me! Somehow, dusk in Mumbai was different. The tinge in the sky - even the weather was something I have always associated with the dusk, summer and Bangalore. Yes, I am back – I have come home …..

MSc done !!

Just finished my MSP presentation today.. :).. Elated.. Relaxed .. Free... !! Now, it's time for a week of masti after which I pack my bags, bid tearful goodbyes and trudge my homeward route.. [or , rather, glide homeward .. I am flying, you see :D] I know, after few days, the emptiness would hit me. After days (and nights!) packed with project, classes , friends, hostel fun, cultural activities and what-not, it is really tough to be doing Nothing!! But, now, I just dont want to think of the looming boredom.. now, it is just "happy time" .. Chillax and bliss! :D

To be (firm) or not to be , that's the question

Just had a squibble / argument with Sid baab , when he persistantly called all South Indians "Gulties". I have previously mentioned , that this generalisation bugs me to no end. It was his statement "Makes no difference to me. All people below Maharashtra are Gults to me" that pissed me off. Told him about it, to which he, no doubt, apologised [albiet, grudgingly ;)] but said that I should be more patient, take people as they are, not expect them to fall in with my views, and, above all, learnt not to hit the roof when people do stuff to bug you. I told him, that there were certain issues one was sensitive about. "People" I dint give a damn to, but when close friends said stuff, that they knew, might disturb you, that's when it hurt. Because, to me friends matter, and their views do as well. So, as I came here initially, this generalisation bugged me, and I fought with all and sundry about this. But, by now, I've learnt that I cant expect more out of these "Northies" [tit-for-tat :D]. But, when close friends persist in doing so, that's when it bugs. I feel they are taking away my identiy, and sort of treating my mother state as something insignificant. And, this demeaning is what bugs me. Sid then said, that it's with friends that you ought to be patient. You get bugged with them, things would sour up. With strangers, you need not bother. But, then, I felt that is n't the vice-versa valid as well? Should n't friends too, be more sensitive about their buddy's feelings? When they know a thing hurts, persistance in doing it is like wilfully hurting your friend. Then, if a "friend" is knowingly and wilfully hurting you, what differentiates them from a foe! Sid then said, that you should be patient, in such a case. They may be late in learning, but learn they will, eventually. But, I truly feel, there are some issues that one must be firm about. And, sometimes, it is better to put your foot down right in the beginning. Be too understanding, and people take you for granted. Dont ever be so "understanding" that you compromise on yourself, on your self-esteem and on what you believe in. You have a resposibilty to your friends, true, but you have a greater responsibilty to yourself as well, and it isn't worth letting others demean you so much, and reduce your feeling of self-worth. "Taggidavanige guddu jaasti" says a saying in kannada . "The man who bends the most, gets kicked the most"

Lethargy

Got an exam in the afty. An audit. Totally no mood to study. Struggling from morn. Friends tell me , "Chod yaar, audit hi hai! Nbd mat le". A voice within says "When you've taken the course, why do a ship-shod job! Anyway, you've just a couple of hours left, give it your best". But, finding it impossible to shake off the mental lethargy. Boredom sinks in within minutes of study. Ever felt youself in the grip of a powerful lethargy? So strong, that inspite of your logical mind telling you that this moment is the very last to be lazy in, the lethargy refuses to loosen its vicious grip? How does one fight such lethargy!! All suggestions are welcome. [Not that it would help me for today's paper, tho! Guess it is a goner already! :D]

Some battles are fought alone...

I remember high school days. My friend Shweta and I would hit it off perfectly, except for those moments, when she would turn up all gloomy and frowning. My innocent "trying-to-help" queries would be answered curtly, and ask a one-too-many "What's happened? Anything wrong?" and I was sure to have my head bitten off. Initially, I would feel hurt, that I was only trying to help her out, and instead got yelled back at. But, by and by, I learnt, she wasn't like me. There was a basic difference - while I preferred voicing out all my troubles, which I believed easened them for me, she preferred pushing them away, and immersing herself in something else. She would talk about things only when she was ready. I learnt , slightly the hard way, that "Do unto others, what you would have others to do unto you" did not always hold good!! It isn't that she didn't think me trust-worthy enough to confide her worries in me or anything like that, but just that, she would do it in her own sweet time.

Over the years, a few really close friends I made also belonged to the same category. After an early replay of the above narrated incident, I would classify those people mentally as the "shwetha types". I now leave them alone, and try to wait patiently, till they are ready to talk. Queries of "What's gone wrong?" would only rub salt into wounds, and words of sympathy would only irk. It's tough though, cause I feel helpless, that I am unable to help my friend.. that I am unable to comfort them, and tell them, that everything will be fine, but there are some battles which a person needs to fight alone. No amount of support or camaraderie would help. One would have to conquer one's own devils.