Survival of the fittest

Nature isn't the benevolent loving motherly figure that it is made out to be. Nature is harsh, ever changing and never predictable. It keeps throwing challenges at the creatures who inhabit it. So, there is a constant struggle for existence. Only the fittest survive. By the fittest, I do not refer to the one with the most potential or the one with superiority. Dinosaurs were big, superior and powerful. But, they were wiped out. Roaches and bugs survived - through millions of years. By their sheer ability to adapt.

Adapt. That is the key word. The ability to adjust to Change that is constantly occurring in Nature. And, this theory of Darwin isn't limited only to classical Evolution as it is studied. It applies to us, to our everyday lives as well.

More often than not, it so happens that things do not go according to our plans. Murphy rules and all that could possibly go wrong, will. In this kind of a 'race' which is unfair, where some are having it easy only because they haven't had obstacles in their path; it is but natural that the guy doing the hurdles race gets disheartened. But, in this kind of a hostile environment, the true survivor is the one who can adapt to this situation the soonest. Who can take in his stride the situation he is in and try to make the most of it. Who can control his mind and not brood over what went by but focus on what lies ahead.

And, as Martina Navratilova said, "The moment of success is too brief to live for it and it alone". Life is long and, in the long run, it always evens out.

I know this might be a little preachy, and, is surely easier said than done, but I have my reasons for putting it up.

Time to change

Most people are averse to change - something like the caterpillar in the above picture. I am no exception to this. If things are going smoothly and life is quite comfortable, I find myself dreading the time when status quo will be upset. I prefer to live in my little cocoon, trying to shield myself from change. But, change is inevitable. As Ram would always say, 'The only thing constant in Life is Change". And, change is good. Change - and the need for it - results in inventions, developments and thus, progress. If we extrapolate Darwin's theory to day-to-day life, we see that the Nature is dynamic, forever changing. The changing climate puts a selection pressure on us, living organisms. So, the victors in this struggle for existence are those that can adapt quickly and aptly to the changing environment. So, the ability to at least accept, if not appreciate, change is the key to success. So, it is time to change and start liking Change :)

Well, it is known that Variety is the spice of Life, and, who wouldn't want to spice up their Life?? :)

A toast to the world's greatest roller coaster ride!

"Wheeeeee!!!" "Aaaaa....... " How many of us haven't been on a roller coaster ride? The ones where you pay money to get scared out of your wits and undergo premature greying? The sudden rises, rapid falls, sharp bends, the stretches where you are hanging upside down, feeling your colon between your molars, panicking - yet, somewhere, secure in the knowledge that you have a safety harness, that hundreds go on these rides daily and come out safe. But what about the roller coaster ride called Life? The scariest ride, made more scary by the fact that you have no safety harness, that one unfortunate slip could just take you out of the ride forever?

Lot of my dear ones seem to be going through the downs of late. For some, it looks like Murphy has taken over their life and seems to be dictating it. Singles facing companionship blues, people in relations suffering from commitment issues and insecurities, married people spending their precious time in fighting. Add to this some amount of ill health, career worries and old age fears. Sometimes, I echo what Agent Smith said in Matrix Revolutions. -
Why, Mr. Anderson? Why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you're fighting for something? For more that your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Yes? No? Could it be for love? Illusions, Mr. Anderson. Vagaries of perception. The temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose. And all of them as artificial as the Matrix itself, although only a human mind could invent something as insipid as love. You must be able to see it, Mr. Anderson. You must know it by now. You can't win. It's pointless to keep fighting. Why, Mr. Anderson? Why? Why do you persist?"

And, I wonder.. Why do we persist? Why keep trying to get a so-called good life. Struggle through school, college, then jobs? Try to get a good career, then yearn for a partner, then yearn for time, struggle for a work-life balance, keep trying to reach milestones, go through all the frustration for a few snatched moments of happiness? And, my answer is the same as Neo's - "Because we choose to."

But, this logic seems real only when we are on a high. While in the pits, the philosophy doesn't really appeal. During such times, I remember what Vaibhav said once - "I guess the total amount of happiness and sorrow in this world is a constant. So, for someone to be happy, at a given point of time, someone has to be in the dumps." Makes sense, in a weird kind of way.

So, when blue, I just tell myself to hang in there. It is going to be my turn for some happiness soon. Till then, if bugged, just say - "Go die, squishy vegetable!!!"

Happy New Year!

2007 went by and 2008 has arrived! :) I remember welcoming 2007 ... party at Bioschool, for which half the junta did not show up, disappointing Hemanshu who had organised the bash! So much has changed in the past year... illness, death, breakups, partings.. by the middle of the year, I was feeling that this was one of those 'bad' years, where things keep going wrong. The kind of year that goes down in our memory for all the wrong reasons. But, in the last couple of months, things have started to look up again. A new Hope has sprung up, the Smile has found reason to return without being forced...Life looks up! And, it is on this upward note that I welcome 2008. Hope the coming year holds joys galore for everyone, challenges to be accepted and won, obstacles that are surmounted, goals that are reached and dreams that are realised. :)

Continuing on the lines of my previous post, here are some lines uttered by one of the wisest animals [whose identity I have, therefore, assumed on this blog :) ] from a favourite book of mine :

"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" - Alice.

"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cheshire Cat.

"I don't much care where –" said Alice.

"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.

"– so long as I get somewhere," Alice added as an explanation.

"Oh, you're sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."

- Lewis Carroll [Alice in Wonderland].

Crossroads

She stands at the fork in the road. She has no road map in hand. There are no signs directing her, no co-travelers to help her along. She is all alone. And in a dilemma. Which road to choose? Both are one ways. Once a road is chosen, she cannot back track. Both look equally good or equally bad. Dimly lit. She cannot see what lies ahead.

She pauses, hesitates. Something tells her these paths are mutually exclusive. What lies on one path can't be found on the other. She would rather remain at that point than choose either of the two paths that lie ahead of her and lose all that lies on the other path, but her time is running out. She must make a decision soon.

She's scared to make that one decision which might significantly alter the course of her journey ahead. She wishes she were a child again, when parents - who always hoped for her best- would take the important decisions for her and she would obediently follow them. 'It's easy when others take your decisions for you - that way you have someone other than yourself to blame when things go wrong", she thinks, with a wry smile. But, deep down, she knows that she would rather be the one who decides, that she is grown up now, and, must decide for herself and , while basking in the joy of good decisions, must also take the brunt of the wrong ones.

She hears voices in her head, asking her to think carefully, to go on the path leading to what she really wants. She decides to introspect. To realise what she really wants, what her heart desires the most - at the moment. True, the desires are always changeable, and at a later date, she might want the very thing that she gave up. But, that is a risk she has to take. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence and there would surely be moments when she would curse herself for not having gone on the other path. But it would happen no matter which path she chose. No one can peep into the future and see which of the paths lead to a happy end. But, happiness is always a state of mind, and, she decided not to look back once her decision was made and, come what may, find her happiness in her decision.

" Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both

Two roads diverged in a wood
And I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference" [Robert Frost, "The road less traveled"]

I remember, I remember.......

I Remember, I Remember

I remember, I remember
The house where I was born,
The little window where the sun
Came peeping in at morn;
He never came a wink too soon
Nor brought too long a day;
But now, I often wish the night
Had borne my breath away.

I remember, I remember
The roses red and white,
The violets and the lily cups--
Those flowers made of light!
The lilacs where the robin built,
And where my brother set
The laburnum on his birthday,--
The tree is living yet!

I remember, I remember
Where I was used to swing,
And thought the air must rush as fresh
To swallows on the wing;
My spirit flew in feathers then
That is so heavy now,
The summer pools could hardly cool
The fever on my brow.

I remember, I remember
The fir-trees dark and high;
I used to think their slender tops
Were close against the sky:
It was a childish ignorance,
But now 'tis little joy
To know I'm farther off from Heaven
Than when I was a boy.

Thomas Hood

Read a lovely article by Vanita Dawra Nangia in the Times today. [The O-zone column]. She reminisces about her childhood days, remembering incidents from school days and how things that had affected her deeply back then seem trivial now. That images crumble and things diminish with time. She makes a lovely statement - "Childhood magnifies everything. Even buildings take on bigger dimensions than in reality. I remembered the school building to be much bigger than what I actually found it to be"

Experienced this when i went to Kundapur for Ganapati this year. Kundapur was a haven for us kids. A childhood paradise. Well, at some point all of us non-kundapur-ites have wished to have been living there. As kids, a huge one acre land - filled with mango and jackfruit trees, a rambling house, filled with wondrous nooks and corners to be explored, a lovely 'maaLi' of our own, with the huge swing, the river in walking distance, the sea at an hour's drive - was heaven on earth. The days spent idling away in the 'hittal' under the trees, by the lake; plucking mangoes and guavas; on the swing, swinging away with as much force as our little legs had, to the latest hit hindi songs playing on the tape recorder; trips planned by adults to Udipi or Mangalore, always with some 8 -9 kids in tow, ending with a Gudbud and Masala dosa at Paarijaata; the regular deliveries of 'Charmbura upkari' [Bhel] and Homemade ice cream from Annayya's little stall; the ice-candies bought at 25 p ; the countless games of cards, khambada aata and tons of other make-believe games; fights and patch-ups - Summer holidays at Kundapur used to be the highlight of each year. The house seemed huge, the town - confusing to navigate, the town temple - impressive, Kundeshwar seemed too far to walk, Mamamma was the omnipotent, strong matriarch, and Kundapur - the perfect heaven, resistant to change, resistant to adulteration, pristine and pure.

Went to Kundapur after an year - or was it two? - for Ganapati festival. This time, surprisingly, it felt as though I was looking at it anew. The house was not the gigantic place that existed in my memory, the doors [Hebbagila] didn't seem as impressive, the land - not as rambling as before, the swing - more compact, the town - much smaller, and, sadly, less populated; the town temple seemed like a small shrine. It was greatly unsettling. I couldn't relate this place to the memories I had of it. The town was the same - at least, in size and layout. Yet it seemed different. What made it so was the change in perspective. The Child had gone. It was an Adult now, trying to find the paradise of her childhood in the place that it now is. But an adult can never find the world as marvelous as a child does. An adult has seen the reality and found it to be harsh. The adult finds it impossible to shy away from the truth - that the town is changing; the shops selling home-made ice cream are no more; that Mamamma has aged and is growing weaker and, might not be around one day; that all fights can not end with a "forgive and forget"; that no matter how hard we swing, it is sometimes impossible to touch the sky; that the idyllic times of childhood are never going to return; that life is about earning enough, making a career, finding leave, short vacations, long and hectic work days, deadlines and appraisals, difficult choices, break ups and heart aches, adjustments, compromises, illnesses, responsibilities, separations and death. That people we idolized as kids have their own fair share of faults, and those whom we hated were not demons. In fact, there is no black and white, just gray; varying shades of it.

Yet, the adult finds respite in those brief lapses into childhood - where the mind, for a moment, forgets all that it's "learnt" and becomes innocent again and travels into a non-adult world. A world where Dreams are dreamt and they do come true, where situations are binary - yes/no, like/don't like, 1/0 - and not complex. The adult-turned-child then laughs, dreams, believes - and finds hope that life isn't meaningless after all. That no matter how dreary things might seem, Life is beautiful enough to Live - and to Live it whole-heartedly! The swings are still there, one just needs to believe that one can touch the sky - and, who knows, one fine day, it just might happen!!

No matter how tough you are, Life'll beat you to your knees and keep it there permanently if you let it.

Found these lines on an acquaintance's blog. loved them. Guess we can learn a thing or two from them :

This extract is from the conversation between Rocky Balboa and his son in the sixth episode of the Rocky series. Rocky's son blames him for all the high expectations he faces from the world because his father is "Rocky Balboa". And then Rocky explains him his philosophy of life.

The world ain't all sunshines and rainbows.
It's a very mean and nasty place... and I don't care how tough you are, it'll beat you to your knees and keep it there permanently if you let it.
You, me and nobody is gonna hit as hard as life.
But it ain't about how hard you hit.
It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward...
How much you can take and keep moving forward.
That's how winning is done.
Now if you know what you are worth, go out and get what you are worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits.

Loved these lines. Life isn't fair. Hoping that it will be is idealism - read as "Foolishness". But Life can be beautiful. We have it in us to make it so. There is a saying in Sanskrit which says "Fall like the ball - that bounces back after falling ; Not like the ball of mud, which falls and stays there."

They say "Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off the goal". But I say - One should be aware - of what obstacles one might face while attempting any task. While Optimism is necessary, a baseless optimism can spell doom. We need to find out possible road blocks - and know which are the ones that can be surmounted and which are the ones for which we need to devise an alternative path. I can see that there would certainly be unseen obstacles, but, he, sure, is foolish who would remain willfully blind to the seen ones. And, in spite of the thorns you see on a path, if you feel it is worth taking, then, do take that road and '..it'll make all the difference' .

The eternal dilemma

Career v/s Family. Professional life v/s personal life. The head v/s the heart. This is an unending battle. And one for which I don't have any answer. I ask people. Friends, family, profs. Everyone has their own answer. True to the saying "Grass is greener on the other side of the fence", several people suggest a course of action opposed to the one they took when faced with the similar dilemma. "Don't compromise on your career, you'll regret it later", "Career may be important, but doesn't mean you neglect family life", "This is the time you build your career. Parents will come around eventually", "Parents are the only people who stick with you till the end. Don't disappoint them", "True Love is hard to find. Don't let go of it", "Don't compromise too much for Love. If it doesn't work, you'll regret giving up so much for it. You'll feel cheated". The views are varied and generally take extreme stands.

Read this amazingly good book called "Tuesdays with Morrie" recently. One of the best books I read of late and, must say, one that had significant influence on me. Made me realize that career is not my entire life. It's just a part of it. There's more to my life than my career. Chasing a career by compromising on everything else will also leave me empty. The right thing to do is to strike a balance. A few compromises on the career front, a few on the personal - to lead a well balanced life :D But sadly not everything in life is a balanced equation.

Sometimes you come to a fork in the road. To choose one road - and one alone - is a must. What if both the roads are equally attractive at the first glance? Choosing one means you sure give up on the other. Maybe forever. Difficult decision. Very difficult decision. In such situations, I remember what two of my best friends told me - Prati and Rashmi.

Prati said - It's all about priority. There's nothing 'right', nothing 'wrong'. Everything might seem attractive. But what You want the most, at that point, is what matters.

Rashmi said the same, in slightly different words. She said - What will most likely happen is that you'll make an instantaneous decision when you come to your bridges. And that's not bad at all. Just don't look back, if you can. Treasure the past, but accept that it will never be the same again and look up, look ahead and make the future the way you want it to be, as of now. Tomorrow you may want something else...sure, why not?! Just be happy, be in the present!

Saw this lovely Vodafone ad today that gives the right perspective of seeing Life -
"The may fly lives for just one day. But does this make him miserable? Not one bit. Coz in those few hours, he crams every moment full of the things he loves. He soars . He swoops. He sails. Maybe there's a lesson in this for us longer living creatures. Just think. If we embrace Life, like the Mayfly, what a life that would be!" Make the most of Now!

That's what I shall do- make the most of Now. Tomorrow is just another day.

Revival

Long time, no post. I am turning into a busy bee, not getting time to post, and at times, having no inclination to post :D Currently, down with a whooper of a cold. Does that make me a "cold person" ? :D So, being more brain dead than I normally am, I am using it as an excuse for not thinking originally. Was going through my gmail inbox, emptying it [yes, I have achieved the unacheivable - gmail inbox 92% full, need to empty :)] when I came across this stuff I had written in my second sem at IITB. The initial signs of a chronic blogger. Quite amateurish writing [not that I am a pro now :P] but, thought it still deserved a place on this blog. So, here goes :

OF BLINDERS AND TUNNELS…….

We are born crying. We enter the world with a ready-made list of woes- crying, complaining, whining…. We go through life, as though it were a chore, something to be dealt with and completed soon, so that a cumbersome burden can be put aside. We allot specific time slots for happiness – " I'll be happy when this happens", "I'll be happy when I get that" and so on. Like horses in blinders, concentrate only on achieving this and that, so that we might be happy. In this fixation for arriving at the destination, we forget the journey, forget to enjoy those small moments, to find joy in simple things, to just smile………

Sometimes, the chain is pulled and the train stops. People are forced to look out of the windows – observe- to see what is happening outside this tunnel they have built for themselves. The plodders get a glimpse of what life can really be.. The blinder slips.. The horse, tied down, not by ropes, but in its mind, is now free!!! Free to look around, to enjoy all that surrounds it- to laugh, to cry, to gambol about.. most importantly, to wander away from its "path", to try out new off-beat tracks, to stumble, to fall, to laugh at itself, get up and move along…….

What or who pulls the chain?? May be an incident, may be a person.. or one's own deep-rooted desire to break free…. The walls of the tunnel are cracked and sunlight seeps in, lighting up the faces of the people with rays of hope, hope of salvation from an utterly pointless manner of existence………

It's my life

A student committed suicide at IISc on Monday. It's said that he could n't bear the pressures - of both family and academics. I felt both sorry for the guy, and, angry at him. Sorry that his life ended so prematurely, sorry that he was driven to such desperation that the only way out seemed to be to end it all. Angry 'coz he ended his life himself, that he took the 'easy' way out, did not fight back, did not value this gift given to us, called "life". I felt scared too. Coz, this guy was not those typical suicidal ones, or so people said. He was quite an extrovert, did n't fare too badly at acads, was not a social misfit. It was clearly a case of having taken the wrong decision when in stress, he had just buckled under the pressure. Pressure makes people behave in weird ways. I have seen too many examples of late. So, listening to all this, a thought suddenly crossed my mind - what if? what if one day, I were to face the same amount of pressure these guys did? So far, I have had a great life, acads were good, family never put more than the allowed amount of pressure, I have had a very strong friends circle, and, I have n't had very high goals and achieved those that I had. But, say, one day, I am lonely, feeling low, and, in a momentary fit of madness, decide to take the horrible path that these people did?? [Not that I can ever see myself doing it.. but no one can counter-guess the future...]

This thought scared me to the core. Just imaging myself in their situation - no, not the pressures, but the point where they decide to commit suicide - made me shudder. I love Life a lot, value my life tremendously. I have lots of dreams, hopes, desires waiting to be fulfilled. So, I decided never ever would I even think of such an act. So, I thought of taking some steps to ensure the same. I would first make a list of all the people who love me a lot , people who love me, not for my achievements or status, but for the person I am and for what I mean to them. They are the ones who ll be maximum affected by my death and I have no right to give these people so much of pain. Next on the list, would be all the people I love - while I loved them, I felt complete. These were the people who always brought a smile on my face, a spring to my step. With them around, I still had reasons to smile, reasons to live. Then, would be all my hopes, desires and dreams, all those things that I want to achieve in my life - from learning how to dance, to going on a Himalaya trek, till building that school I want to. Those dreams would give me a cause to live, and remind me of how happy I felt when I was so much in love with being Alive. Other than the list, I would also regularly keep in touch with my closest buddies. So that I would know where they would be in case I need to turn to them for support, and, also, they would know that if at all they need a helping hand, mine is stretched out towards them. Lastly, I would do at least one activity each day that makes me happy - might be a book, or some music or even watching the sunrise. The key to Life remains in being happy. No matter what. And I shall try to achieve that. This is a promise I am making to myself, I owe it to my parents who brought me up and made me who I am, I owe it to myself, to my aspirations, to my dreams, that I shouldn't depart prematurely.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep
And miles to go before I sleep...

It is when we have greater chance of being happy, that we are more unhappy

Read "Veronika decides to die", by Paulo Cohelo. Nice book. Didn't have as strong an impact on me as "Eleven minutes" did, but, nevertheless, manages to convey several meaningful thoughts through the story of a girl who attempts suicide and fails, but for whom, the awareness of death, creates an awareness of life and its importance, and who lives as she has lived never before - vibrant, alive, filled with a zest for life itself. The title of this post is one of the statements I read in the book. "The greater the chance or the scope we have for happiness, the more unhappy we are". True, majority of depression cases arise from boredom, people who have too much of leisure, too many luxuries, but lack a vocation, who lack a need or urge to live. It is the complacency which leads to dissent, to a constant irritation.

Everyone needs a cause to live for. And, most of us are raised to believe that altruism is the true way to be, and that it is sinful to be self indulgent and to live for yourself. So, we end up justifying our meaningless existence by saying - 'we lived for our parents, to fulfil their desires', or by saying 'we spent all our lives for our children, to give them all possible pleasures'. While both your elderly parents and your children might be your responsibilities, there is nothing stopping you from living life the way you want to. In spite of being bogged down by responsibilities, do something everyday that is solely for you . It might be a walk, reading a book before sleeping, pampering yourself at the parlour, or even few moments of quiet and solitude that are yours and yours alone. People now refer to this as a "daily dose of vitamin I" [For those of you who have access to yesterday's Times supplement 'Life", do read an article on pg 2, very well written!].

Anyway, returning to the main thread of the post, in the book, the author speaks of the "sane" and the "mad". Who are "mad"? Truly, it is people who dare to be a bit different from the set norms of the society. What is "normal" is something that is just 'acceptable to many'. Other than that, there is no real normality and abnormality.

He also says that the true test of spirituality - btw, spirituality is not philosophical mumbo-jumbo, or an old age pass time, as several of us visualise it. It is just a greater awareness of what we are and what we are doing. So, the true test of spirituality is the patience to wait for what we truly desire and what we deserve and, not to get disappointed by appearances when we actually get it.

The most meaningful and thought provoking statement was, something that I stated in the first paragraph, that it is only the awareness of Death that creates an awareness of this miracle called Life!

A really nice read, do grab that book if you haven't read it so far!

'I'dentity crisis !

Why are we always in the search of an identity? Why this desire to define? . In the AOL basic course, one of the tasks is to define yourselves, in as many ways as you can. After going through all the rigmarole of - " I am ..'s daughter", "I am ...'s wife", "I am ..'s mother", "I am an IITian", "I am a science student" "I am an Indian" etc etc.. you are left with no more definitions. That, is your true self . I agree it is necessary to have all the above identites, but, it is necessary to lose them too. Not to be just what defines you. I am me. I am. that is my identity.

I got these two lovely poems - one taken from a friend's orkut profile, another I found on the web, which I have used for my own profile -

I’m the darkness in the light
I’m the leftness in the right
I’m the rightness in the wrong
I’m the shortness in the long
I’m the goodness in the bad
I’m the saneness in the mad
I’m the sadness in the joy
I’m the gin in the gin-soaked boy

I’m the ghost in the machine
I’m the genius in the gene
I’m the beauty in the beast
I’m the sunset in the east
I’m the ruby in the dust
I’m the trust in the mistrust
I’m the trojan horse in troy
I’m the gin in the gin-soaked boy

I’m the tigers empty cage
I’m the mysterys final page
I’m the strangers lonely glance
I’m the heros only chance
I’m the undiscovered land
I’m the single grain of sand
I’m the christmas morning toy
I’m the gin in the gin-soaked boy

I’m the world you’ll never see
I’m the slave you’ll never free
I’m the truth you’ll never know
I’m the place you’ll never go
I’m the sound you’ll never hear
I’m the course you’ll never steer
I’m the will you’ll not destroy
I’m the gin in the gin-soaked boy

I’m the half-truth in the lie
I’m the why not in the why
I’m the last roll of the die
I’m the old school in the tie
I’m the spirit in the sky
I’m the catcher in the rye
I’m the twinkle in her eye
I’m the jeff goldblum in the fly

This one, while defining, somehow removes all definitions. I loved it :)

This other one is in my profile :

I wonder
I hear
I see
I want
I pretend
I feel
I touch
I worry
I cry
I understand
I say
I dream
I AM.

I am . I dont need any more identities.

God Helps...

Haven't we all, at one point or the other, blamed God? Prayed, but not got what we wanted, ended up saying "Why Me??" Remembered only those desires that weren't fulfilled but never paused to think of all that we got without even having asked for? This pithy image I got in a forwarded email sums it all up... As the mail read, don't lose the bigger picture!

Happiness is ....

How does one stay happy? As Anne Frank says in her diary, there are two ways you can go about it. One is to count your blessings, think of all the nice things that have happened to you, and feel good about it. The second is to look at all the misery in the world, especially at the people who are in worse conditions than you are, and, feel thankful that you are better than most. Anne says that while her mother always adopts the second method, she prefers the first, 'cause, when you take the latter path, you are continually reminded of all the misery in the world.

I agree with Anne. Though most of us generally go about in the second manner, it ensures that your happiness is dependent on the continual misery - greater misery - of others. It is only when you are convinced that there are people who are suffering more than you are, that you start feeling a growing sense of sadistic pleasure. But, if you go by Anne's choice, you see that your happiness is independent of other factors. You rejoice in the person that you are, in all the nice things that have happened so far to you, in all the joy you see around you - and, this means that you can always be happy, no matter what, for you are the person that you are, and no one can erase that.

Generation Gap

When we are small, our parents take all our decisions for us. We trust them absolutely. The fact that their decisions might not be the optimal ones never even crosses our minds. As we grow up, we start thinking for ourselves, comparing our lives with that of our friends, seeing the world and learning from it. And, there comes a point when we decide that we would rather take our own decisions. There comes a point in the lives of our parents too, when they feel that their kids are grown up enough to look after themselves without parental intervention. The whole problem arises because the former occurs much earlier than the latter.

By the time we enter our early twenties, we want to be the masters of our life, take our own decisions, make our own mistakes and learn from them. But, our parents still feel we are young, inexperienced and not enough worldly-wise to survive without their supervision. Then begins the Struggle for Power. We feel they are fuddy-duddies, they feel we are foolhardy. We feel they are domineering, and that they don’t want to let go, they feel we are disrespecting their wishes, disregarding their opinions. We feel they are old, out of touch with the present world, and, that our peers and seniors are better advisors. They feel they have seen more of the world than we have, and, that we are young, gullible, and might end up making those very same errors that they have made in their youth. They try to warn us against them. We resent their mother-hen attitude, and, ask them not to cluck around us. We finally think, condescendingly, that after all they are our parents and, mentally tell ourselves, that once we are parents we will not do such a thing, that we would give all the freedom to our kids. But we do not realize that Parenting is one of the most difficult jobs ever. To bring a kid into the world is only the first step, but, to bring them up, to see that they grow up into sensitive, responsible individuals, to ensure that they learn enough skills to have a comfortable living – all of this is a huge responsibility. No wonder the parents sometimes end up being over-protective, to the point that it becomes over-bearing. It is very tough to know when to let go. You can’t back off too soon, when your kid is still immature and not ready for the world. At the same time, you can’t hold on too long, for it would suffocate the already grown kid. Guess, once we become parents, we might do the same. We would justify over actions, saying, the ends define the means, the intention – that is, the welfare of our kids - is pure, etc. But, our kids end up feeling shackled, misunderstood and frustrated, the way we feel now.

And, for this very same reason, I greatly respect Rash’s father. Rash has now finished MSc and is getting ready to leave for the US for her PhD. It is that stage where parents feel most insecure – about their child’s future in an unknown place and also about their own standing in their child’s life from now on. In this situation, her dad spoke to her one day and told her, that she might be exposed to so many things in the US – stuff that she’s never tried before. He told her, that if she ever wanted to indulge in them, she should, from now on, just consult her own conscience. Peer pressure shouldn’t instigate her actions and fear of parents shouldn’t deter her either. She is the master of her will from now on, and, she is the only person she is answerable to. Only her judgment should guide her actions. It is such a tough thing to say, to be able to know when to say it is tougher. And, I immediately felt an immense respect for the man who had managed to do it.

I am documenting all my thoughts now, when I am in the position of a child, so, that once I reach the position of a parent, I would still be reminded of what one feels when one is at the receiving end. I might, some day, read this and understand why I am having trouble understanding my kids instead of just mouthing the cliché, “Generation gap”.

Whom do you trust?

What do you do when there’s a clash of thoughts between you and those of people who are really close to you? When your judgment of people or situations differs from those whose opinion you really value? When your close friends’ advise you, wishing well for you, but, somehow your gut feeling and your beliefs tell you otherwise? When you are in quandary, unable to decide which path to take, the one you would want to, the one you’ve believed in, or the one that people who are older, more mature and considerably “more experienced” are asking you to take? You would surely want to stick to your decisions, but a doubt arises, as to whether you are doing the right thing? Whether you should, instead, sit back and objectively think about the advice that’s been given to you? What if, inspite of that, you want to continue with your decisions? If you still stick to your decisions, you must be brave enough to face the repercussions, if any, take whole responsibility for your actions and above all, never look back and blame yourself. Are you “man” enough [such a MCP phrase! :D] to do that? What if you later on realize your judgment was “wrong”, that what you had believed in all along was “wrong”? Scary thought, isn’t it? But faced with such a situation, I would still go by what I believe in. All the advice that people give me is no doubt well-meaning. Maybe I am being foolhardy. But, I prefer to trust my judgment, my point of view over others'. And, regarding “right” and “wrong”, I would take a leaf out of Prati’s book and say there’s nothing “right” or “wrong”. Things are not always black and white. The opposite of one truth is, very often, another truth. Right and wrong is all depending upon where the observer is standing. And, to transcend right and wrong, to look beyond that, is the greatest achievement that one can have. It is best not to classify, to just experience, and, to move on. That is the highest state one can achieve, and, I shall aim for that.

Role Playing

Contemplation seems to be the key word for me these days :D As I was mentioning in my last post, some words, some sentences have a way of coming back to me.. and, each time they do, I find myself interpreting them differently, finding a greater depth to those words. Such is the case with these words uttered by my English teacher in my 2nd BSc. We had to study the play Macbeth as part of the English course and we had the good fortune of having a lady called Sukanya to teach us. She was simply splendid, and, through her, the play nearly came to life. We could feel the transformation of Macbeth, from a consentitious soldier to a ruthless tyrant, the slow degeneration of his relation with Lady Macbeth, the way they go from being husband-wife, to partners in a crime, to the point where the mere sight of the other reminded them of the sin they had committed. Sukanya ma’am taught the play amazingly well. In this course, she brought up a few topics which were pretty unsettling.

One of them was the fact about role playing. She was asking us, “when are you truly you?” or rather, ‘who is the true you? Does the true ‘you’ ever surface?’ At college, we play the role of a teacher/student, outside, we are friends of someone, even at home, we do not stop playing the role of a dutiful daughter, a spouse, a parent etc. So, eventually, in solitude, do we relax completely? Or, are we so used to role playing, that even in solitude, we can’t stop? Do we subconsciously assume the role of the kind of individual we/others want us to be? These words were hard hitting and disconcerting at the same time.

At IIT, in a course called Environmental Science, in the module handled by Prof. Asolekar, one of the exercises was “role playing”. Here, all the students had to assume different roles in a given situation and argue for the cause from the point of view of the person whose role they were assuming. The debate was about banning motor vehicles in the whole of IITB. The Prof. took on the role of the director of the insti, while we students took on the roles of student bodies, mess workers, cleaners, faculty members, environmental activitists and similar groups that might be affected by such a ban. We girls together formed a women’s group [representing the wives of the profs] and we opposed the ban saying that such a thing would hinder all our day to day activities which involved bringing in groceries and stuff, also with dropping kids off at school and picking them up etc. Though our argument wasn’t really strong, we built upon it steadily, and managed to put across a strong view, stating inconvenience and also, safety as our main points. The point is that as we got caught up with role playing, I was getting more and more convinced about our role, and, also that if such a ban were to happen, the women would seriously be terribly inconvenienced!!

Both these things, what Sukanya ma’am said about role playing and also this activity that we had done at IIT came back to me in the weekend. And, I wondered – Isn’t it true? Role playing is so dangerous! The more you assume a role, the more you start thinking like a person, and the deeper you get into it, the more firmly you start adopting the beliefs of the character whose role you are assuming, And, after a certain point, your ‘astitva’ is lost. You no longer have an existence beyond the role. I have seen this happen to several women. They end up being daughters, wives, mothers, sisters of so-and-so and the person that they are totally loses existence! Such a scary thought! I don’t want to lose my identity ever and will stirve to maintain it !!

I am mine

If I had to name the people who have had a major influence on the way I think and who have helped to shape me into the person I am now, it would be Prati, Akka, Ram, Rash n Sume. But sometimes, some conversations I have had with others, some words uttered, have a way of coming back and making me think. This is one such conversation

I had heard of Priyadarshan Sahasrabuddhe [more popularly PD], heard him sing in Surbahar etc, but got to know him personally after the inter-hostel classical music competition in Jan this year. Soon after that, I bumped into him one day morn, in the SAC grounds. Somehow we got talking and talked for nearly an hour. He told me about the time he spent with tribal people in Maharashtra, as a part of the SEARCH program organized by Abhay and Rani Bang. This couple, both doctors, did their PG from Johns Hopkins. They began this movement called SEARCH in India, where they encouraged people to contribute towards the benefit of the society in general. They advocate that contributions to the society need not be monetary alone, or to bring about welfare of the under privileged, one need not give up one’s career and go and join an NGO. By doing what ever we are doing, be it science, business, medicine or industry, we still can use our skills for the betterment of the masses. And how to do so, is what they tell in their program. As a part of the seven day program that PD attended, one day was spent in contemplation. They were asked to ponder over questions like “Who am I?” and “Whose am I?” The latter question seemed poignant to me at that time, but I did not feel its full impact back then. Surprisingly, after that day, I never got to talk to PD at that length again. It might be over-inference, but, somehow I am inclined to believe that that particular conversation had some significance, some purpose, and was meant to have an effect in my life. Which is why it happened in a totally unexpected fashion, from a totally unexpected source!!

Anyway, coming back to the point, during the weekend, the question “Whose am I?” returned to me. Whose am I? Do I belong to my parents? Am I here to satisfy their desires? To fulfill my duties as a daughter to the T and give them all possible happiness? Am I indebted to my nation? Is it my duty to serve the people in my nation alone, to utilize all my skills to the maximum possible extent for the betterment of “My” people? Or, looking at the bigger picture, am I a part of the world? The world, where the division into countries is man-made, and where people are just the same all over? Is it wrong on my part to work for Science as a passion, irrespective of the place I was living? Felt my thoughts straying to the Pearl Jam song … “I only own my mind, I am mine..” Yes, I belonged to myself. I was here to live my life the way I wanted to. To fulfill my wishes and my desires primarily. I did not have the power to give anybody else happiness, because Happiness is just a state of mind, and unless someone opens themselves to Joy, no amount of effort on others’ behalf can make them happy. But I could make myself happy, by doing what gave me maximum satisfaction. As much as I had a responsibility to my family, I had a responsibility to myself as well. To try and realize my dreams and not let them get squashed, subdued and forgotten, only to go deep in my heart and stay there as bitterness. It was my duty to myself to try and make my dreams come true. If circumstances willed otherwise, atleast I would have the satisfaction of having tried. I might err, I may make rash decisions or judgments at times, but the mistakes would be mine, and I would have the satisfaction of trying to do what I wanted to do. Yes, I was mine. I belonged to me.

To be (firm) or not to be , that's the question

Just had a squibble / argument with Sid baab , when he persistantly called all South Indians "Gulties". I have previously mentioned , that this generalisation bugs me to no end. It was his statement "Makes no difference to me. All people below Maharashtra are Gults to me" that pissed me off. Told him about it, to which he, no doubt, apologised [albiet, grudgingly ;)] but said that I should be more patient, take people as they are, not expect them to fall in with my views, and, above all, learnt not to hit the roof when people do stuff to bug you. I told him, that there were certain issues one was sensitive about. "People" I dint give a damn to, but when close friends said stuff, that they knew, might disturb you, that's when it hurt. Because, to me friends matter, and their views do as well. So, as I came here initially, this generalisation bugged me, and I fought with all and sundry about this. But, by now, I've learnt that I cant expect more out of these "Northies" [tit-for-tat :D]. But, when close friends persist in doing so, that's when it bugs. I feel they are taking away my identiy, and sort of treating my mother state as something insignificant. And, this demeaning is what bugs me. Sid then said, that it's with friends that you ought to be patient. You get bugged with them, things would sour up. With strangers, you need not bother. But, then, I felt that is n't the vice-versa valid as well? Should n't friends too, be more sensitive about their buddy's feelings? When they know a thing hurts, persistance in doing it is like wilfully hurting your friend. Then, if a "friend" is knowingly and wilfully hurting you, what differentiates them from a foe! Sid then said, that you should be patient, in such a case. They may be late in learning, but learn they will, eventually. But, I truly feel, there are some issues that one must be firm about. And, sometimes, it is better to put your foot down right in the beginning. Be too understanding, and people take you for granted. Dont ever be so "understanding" that you compromise on yourself, on your self-esteem and on what you believe in. You have a resposibilty to your friends, true, but you have a greater responsibilty to yourself as well, and it isn't worth letting others demean you so much, and reduce your feeling of self-worth. "Taggidavanige guddu jaasti" says a saying in kannada . "The man who bends the most, gets kicked the most"

Some battles are fought alone...

I remember high school days. My friend Shweta and I would hit it off perfectly, except for those moments, when she would turn up all gloomy and frowning. My innocent "trying-to-help" queries would be answered curtly, and ask a one-too-many "What's happened? Anything wrong?" and I was sure to have my head bitten off. Initially, I would feel hurt, that I was only trying to help her out, and instead got yelled back at. But, by and by, I learnt, she wasn't like me. There was a basic difference - while I preferred voicing out all my troubles, which I believed easened them for me, she preferred pushing them away, and immersing herself in something else. She would talk about things only when she was ready. I learnt , slightly the hard way, that "Do unto others, what you would have others to do unto you" did not always hold good!! It isn't that she didn't think me trust-worthy enough to confide her worries in me or anything like that, but just that, she would do it in her own sweet time.

Over the years, a few really close friends I made also belonged to the same category. After an early replay of the above narrated incident, I would classify those people mentally as the "shwetha types". I now leave them alone, and try to wait patiently, till they are ready to talk. Queries of "What's gone wrong?" would only rub salt into wounds, and words of sympathy would only irk. It's tough though, cause I feel helpless, that I am unable to help my friend.. that I am unable to comfort them, and tell them, that everything will be fine, but there are some battles which a person needs to fight alone. No amount of support or camaraderie would help. One would have to conquer one's own devils.