Fear

I have been a brave person, most of the time. Not the kind who's scared of bugs , or pets, or the traffic. This used to make me feel good about myself. I wouldn't have many qualms while walking back alone from lab, at odd hours like 4 am, where there would be loads of dogs but no human souls on the roads at IITB. I haven't been scared of death or illness. Didn't have many aspirations, so, wasn't scared of failure in achieving them. But, of late, as in other matters, I've been realising that I don't know myself as well as I thought I did.

The very first time I felt a completely baseless illogical fear was in swimming class. For the first time, the coach took us to the deep and asked us to jump in. 16ft of water. Not too big a deal. Especially when she's taught us to float and kick. And when she's close by. Buoyancy would take care of everything! But, while everyone showed some kind of hesitation, I was seized by terror. It was baseless. Logic told me I would be fine. My ego told me I should just do it, else I would always feel lousy about it. But, each time I went to the edge of the pool and looked in, I just couldn't jump in. Fear blinded all logic and all sense. A baseless terror. Finally jumped in, holding the instructor's hand, while ladies, 55 -60 yrs old, jumped in bindaas. And, due to some reasons, had to quit class after that day. So never got around to mastering that fear.

Of late, the fear is different. It's a fear of loss - losing people you love - and, it's not just about losing them to Death. It's a fear of the unknown future. Of where life will lead me. Of whether in following my dreams, I am putting too much at stake, whether the loss will be more than the gain. Whether these dreams are really those that I want to pursue. Of Change -that which is inevitable, and not always favourable. Changes in myself and in people I love. Of drifting too far away, and finding that the bridge has been washed away and that I cannot return or reconnect. Of finding out eventually that it was all not worth it. And, these fears are not baseless. Nor are they those that can be faced and put to rest right now. These are not fears that can be driven away by a comforting hug and the mother's whispers of "Hush, it will be alright". It has to be a painful wait, for a few years, only then I shall know what the outcome is. Till then, they can only be pushed away to a corner of the mind, and, the most I can do is not to dwell upon them.

Revival

Long time, no post. I am turning into a busy bee, not getting time to post, and at times, having no inclination to post :D Currently, down with a whooper of a cold. Does that make me a "cold person" ? :D So, being more brain dead than I normally am, I am using it as an excuse for not thinking originally. Was going through my gmail inbox, emptying it [yes, I have achieved the unacheivable - gmail inbox 92% full, need to empty :)] when I came across this stuff I had written in my second sem at IITB. The initial signs of a chronic blogger. Quite amateurish writing [not that I am a pro now :P] but, thought it still deserved a place on this blog. So, here goes :

OF BLINDERS AND TUNNELS…….

We are born crying. We enter the world with a ready-made list of woes- crying, complaining, whining…. We go through life, as though it were a chore, something to be dealt with and completed soon, so that a cumbersome burden can be put aside. We allot specific time slots for happiness – " I'll be happy when this happens", "I'll be happy when I get that" and so on. Like horses in blinders, concentrate only on achieving this and that, so that we might be happy. In this fixation for arriving at the destination, we forget the journey, forget to enjoy those small moments, to find joy in simple things, to just smile………

Sometimes, the chain is pulled and the train stops. People are forced to look out of the windows – observe- to see what is happening outside this tunnel they have built for themselves. The plodders get a glimpse of what life can really be.. The blinder slips.. The horse, tied down, not by ropes, but in its mind, is now free!!! Free to look around, to enjoy all that surrounds it- to laugh, to cry, to gambol about.. most importantly, to wander away from its "path", to try out new off-beat tracks, to stumble, to fall, to laugh at itself, get up and move along…….

What or who pulls the chain?? May be an incident, may be a person.. or one's own deep-rooted desire to break free…. The walls of the tunnel are cracked and sunlight seeps in, lighting up the faces of the people with rays of hope, hope of salvation from an utterly pointless manner of existence………

Nettled over a kettle !

I love shopping. And, no, by this I don't mean I spend like hell - though, if I had the money I might have :D - I mean to say, I just like the act of shopping. Need not necessarily be mine, and even window shopping will suffice. But, the feel of a market or a mall makes me happy :) It is, in fact, one of the best ways to cheer up on a low day,where the baggage you pick up at the shop helps shed emotional baggage! :D

So, when Nissim asked shopoholic me to come along to pick up an electric kettle, I jumped at the chance [not literally :P] . And, off we went on my scooty, minus the electric start button [Read MaMu's blog for details!]. So with lots of kicking and pulling eventually, we found ourselves a parking lot in the very crowded Malleshwaram market [which is a true achievement, trust me!]. And, entered this big shop we saw, that boasted of selling household appliances. The deal was that since I knew the local language, I should communicate to the shop wala and bargain, and Nissim's job was to OK or veto the wares that he displayed and to shell out the cash. Now, the shop assigned a salesman exclusively to us and I proceeded to ask him about the kettle.

Me : "Do you have an electric kettle? We don't need a big one, just enough to make a cup of coffee"
Salesman :" Yes of course, here's a lovely little Morphy Richards model, just for 1250 Rs." .
I am shocked. A place near my home offers a similar sized model, non-Morphy Richards for 580.
Me - "Well, that's too much, don't you have something cheaper? For say, 600?"
Salesman : "well, not in small size, you get bigger ones!"
Me , laughing : " Ok. I mentioned small, thinking big ones would cost more. Show me the big ones"
Salesman :" Here's a Bajaj one, 850Rs and the Prestige model, Rs.1050"
Me :" Well, these are too costly too. Anything in 600 range?"
Salesman:" well, would you mind going upto 800? I have this lovely Rice cooker for 795 Rs"
Me, flabbergasted, "Rice cooker! I want a kettle to make coffee, not a cooker"
Salesman: "Oh... you don't want the cooker? OK.. then, would you want a sandwich maker? or a toaster?"

Both Nissim and I are unable to control our laughter anymore. I manage to tell that man (again) that what I want to do is buy something to make coffee in, not just Something for Rs. 600 !! We walk away, Salesman looking very disappointed.

It is said that a great salesman is one who manages to sell ice to an eskimo. This guy was surely trying his best to take the definition to a higher level! Overall, highly entertaining experience!

It's my life

A student committed suicide at IISc on Monday. It's said that he could n't bear the pressures - of both family and academics. I felt both sorry for the guy, and, angry at him. Sorry that his life ended so prematurely, sorry that he was driven to such desperation that the only way out seemed to be to end it all. Angry 'coz he ended his life himself, that he took the 'easy' way out, did not fight back, did not value this gift given to us, called "life". I felt scared too. Coz, this guy was not those typical suicidal ones, or so people said. He was quite an extrovert, did n't fare too badly at acads, was not a social misfit. It was clearly a case of having taken the wrong decision when in stress, he had just buckled under the pressure. Pressure makes people behave in weird ways. I have seen too many examples of late. So, listening to all this, a thought suddenly crossed my mind - what if? what if one day, I were to face the same amount of pressure these guys did? So far, I have had a great life, acads were good, family never put more than the allowed amount of pressure, I have had a very strong friends circle, and, I have n't had very high goals and achieved those that I had. But, say, one day, I am lonely, feeling low, and, in a momentary fit of madness, decide to take the horrible path that these people did?? [Not that I can ever see myself doing it.. but no one can counter-guess the future...]

This thought scared me to the core. Just imaging myself in their situation - no, not the pressures, but the point where they decide to commit suicide - made me shudder. I love Life a lot, value my life tremendously. I have lots of dreams, hopes, desires waiting to be fulfilled. So, I decided never ever would I even think of such an act. So, I thought of taking some steps to ensure the same. I would first make a list of all the people who love me a lot , people who love me, not for my achievements or status, but for the person I am and for what I mean to them. They are the ones who ll be maximum affected by my death and I have no right to give these people so much of pain. Next on the list, would be all the people I love - while I loved them, I felt complete. These were the people who always brought a smile on my face, a spring to my step. With them around, I still had reasons to smile, reasons to live. Then, would be all my hopes, desires and dreams, all those things that I want to achieve in my life - from learning how to dance, to going on a Himalaya trek, till building that school I want to. Those dreams would give me a cause to live, and remind me of how happy I felt when I was so much in love with being Alive. Other than the list, I would also regularly keep in touch with my closest buddies. So that I would know where they would be in case I need to turn to them for support, and, also, they would know that if at all they need a helping hand, mine is stretched out towards them. Lastly, I would do at least one activity each day that makes me happy - might be a book, or some music or even watching the sunrise. The key to Life remains in being happy. No matter what. And I shall try to achieve that. This is a promise I am making to myself, I owe it to my parents who brought me up and made me who I am, I owe it to myself, to my aspirations, to my dreams, that I shouldn't depart prematurely.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep
And miles to go before I sleep...

God helps those who help themselves...

The papers tell me that India is the second highest in the world, when it comes to terrorism related incidents, causalities and deaths; second only to Iraq. Well, should we congratulate ourselves for this 'distinguished honour' or berate ourselves about this sorry state of affairs!! How did the situation become this critical and why don't we retaliate are the first questions that come to our mind as we read this. Compare our subdued reactions with the aggressive ones of US after 9-11. Whether good or bad, both words and the actions (which were louder) kind of made it clear that the US was not taking any shit from others.

We have always believed in the principle of Ahimsa. We got our independence by the same method [or so the story goes]. But, are n't we carrying it a bit too far? There is a Jataka tale about the same. There was once a poisonous snake that lived in a hole in a field. It would bite anyone who ventured close to it, whether or not they tried to harm it. A Buddhist monk who was passing by spoke to the snake and advised it not to do so and told it to follow Ahimsa. The snake paid heed to his words and totally stopped biting anybody. Soon the people lost their fear of the snake. They hit at it with stones and sticks and harmed it whenever it came out. Slowly, the bruised and battered snake could no longer hunt, and started growing feebler by the day. At this time, the monk happened to pass by the same field. The monk was shocked to see the sorry condition of the snake. When he found out what was the cause for the snake's pitiable state, he told the snake that he had asked it not to attack anybody, but had never told it not to raise its hood to threaten its attackers, or even to retaliate in self defense. The snake now got the true picture of what "Ahimsa" meant. It meant, never to willingly attack or hurt another living being, but, it gave you full right to protect yourself, against other's attack. So applies to us. We now let the terrorists to walk over us. Corruption and constitution delay Justice, and, offenders walk free, free to terrorise again.

Another thing I have n't been able to stomach is the utter religiousness or should I say religious follies that are rampant. The Prime minister has knee pain, and a maha yajna is created to appease the Gods to relieve him of it. The beginning of a new year - a super smashing Havan is conducted to ensure that the coming year is peaceful and prosperous. The rains are delayed, crops fail, people are dying - and, the Rain god and his cronies are treated to a ghee-rich feast, so, that satisfied, they ll 'shower' us with their blessings. Eclipse, floods, drought, earthquake, tsunami - the cure for all disasters - Appease the concerned deities!! The absurdity of this approach never fails to amuse me.No, I m not an aethist, Yes, I do go to temples etc; but, isn't there a saying that goes - "God helps those who help themselves" ?? The current situation is like that of a student, who spends all his time praying, rather than preparing for his upcoming exam, with the blind faith that God will protect him. In my opinion, God is not external to us, not a puppeteer who pulls the strings and enjoys the play unfolding below. He is a force within us, a source of confidence when we are unsure of ourselves, a pillar of strength when we are feeling weak, a place of solace when we need comforting. He surely would not want us to waste millions of rupees on building Him temples of gold and giving Him precious offerings. Rather, if that money were used for the development of the needy, I guess He would be appeased more. It is said in the Gita - "Karmanyevaadhikaaraste maa phaleshu kadachana" . The Lord has decreed that we should work, do the best we can in any situation, and, then, He shall see that we get the success we deserve. Instead, we lean on to Him, like parasites, hoping that with no inputs from us, He shall do all that is to be done. Well, great expectations :)

It is time the Nation rose as one, time we forgot all our internal quarrels - of caste, religion and regionalism, and remembered that we are all, deep down, Indians. And, as Shahrukh Khan says in Chak De, "Pehle apne desh ke liye khelo, phir apne team ke liye, aur phir bhi kuch jaan bachi, toh khud ke liye khelo" . When will "India rising" become a reality, rather than an election slogan!!

Terminator returns...

Terror attacks in Hyderabad... Bombs placed at the Lumbini Gardens, at the Laserium and at Koti, at a popular chat shop. 42 killed, several injured. What is being done about it? I guess nothing. Terror attacks have become such a daily event that it doesn't shake up people much. I had written about this earlier as well. But, come to think of it, what can the public do in such situations? It is the Intelligence people who have to investigate and find the perpetrators of crime [Hopefully, earlier than 13 yrs, this time around..] but what can we do as the public? The outrage felt [may be short-lived, yet..] is expressed in the worst possible way - as happened yesterday, at the Gokul Chats, where the public, enraged as the police took more than half an hour to arrive at the site of blasts, burnt a bus, and yelled anti-police slogans. Seriously, what can we do as the citizens of this nation, in a situation like this? Any ideas?

Coming back to Life

"You make me more happy than I have ever been in my life and if you give me a chance, I would like to give you the same kind of happiness. Monica, will you marry me?" As Chandler spoke these words, all the spectators on the sets gave a collective sigh, and so did she. As she switched off her computer she thought that how ever realistic she tried to train herself to be, at heart she was still the hopeless romantic that she had always been. But now, her eyes had opened. She understood that such romance was only in fiction - be it novels, TV or movies. Real life was about practicality. Whenever anyone told her that they had found the "special someone", she wondered how long it would be before they gave up Love under the pretext of "being practical". At times, she wondered whether she had got the definition of Love wrong, else why would it mean so different to others from what it meant to her. For her, Love was sacred, something to be cherished and treasured, never hurt nor rejected. So, rather than change her view about Love, she had given up trying to look for it, or for people who understood it like her. True Love was found only in fiction, 'cause, everyone dreamed of it, but, only some found it, and, few actually went ahead and nurtured it. So, while in Rome, do as Romans do - be "practical" - that was her Mantra, of late.

She was driving back home. She was in a good mood - her day had gone well, work was giving good results, she had had fun with her friends, managed to leave early for home and the next day was a holiday! As she drove through the market, she noticed an unusual hustle-bustle and remembered that the next day was a festival of Goddess Lakshmi. The air was fragrant with the scent of flowers - the lovely sevanthige [chrysanthemum], mallige [jasmine], sampige [champaka], rose and the lotus, the flower of Lakshmi devi. Fruit vendors proudly displayed their ware - bananas, apples, guavas, pomegranates, and even, the last mangoes. Prices were higher than usual, as normally happens on festival eves. People moved about, like swarms of bees. Like the Drone following the queen bee, middle aged men, with pot bellies and graying wisps of hair, carrying banana plants, meekly and silently followed their diminutive wives who bravely haggled over the prices with the vendors. She grinned looking at this. The entire air was one of festivity and joy. Even the drivers seemed unmindful of the excessive crowd today - was the honking truly less, or was she too distracted to pay heed to it, she wondered. As she looked about her, she saw ahead of her, three camels, serenely making their way through the traffic. The cars around were calmly moving alongside the camels, as though it was a matter of routine to have four legged towering beasts among four wheeled screeching machines :D "It happens only in India", she thought, as she chuckled to herself. She had always loved melas and festivities. And, today she felt young again, a child in a fair, looking at wondrous things in awe, and marvelling at stuff that the 'grown-ups' find commonplace.

It started to rain. She felt the drizzle hit her and she turned her face to it, feeling the water drip over her. A nameless joy filled her, filling her being with happiness. She was in Love - in Love with Life - and, finally she had found her lifelong love...